AMAZING -- 3 Million Hits over two days!!! We love every single one of you. Even the people that disagree with me.
These observations were written pre-booting on Thursday. They're still valid though.
Wow. Since AI is a singing contest they should just do away with this nonsense of voting and have a 15 week four-way sing-off between Stephanie Edwards, Sabrina Sloan, Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones. That way we’d have great singing and a true champion will emerge. Well, since AI isn’t actually about the singing then we need the charade of voting and tone-deaf judging, and awful singers hanging around to amuse us. I will say that if one of those four doesn’t win American Idol this year, a serious injustice will have been perpetrated… or VFTW carried Sundance Head to a championship!
I’m using my patented PASS, FAIL grading system but the Furious Four girls immediately jump to the head of the class.
That was fun, actually. Even the mediocre girls blew away anything the boys foisted upon us last night. Does that mean a girl is a lock to win AI? Hah! This is Idol, where big personalities trump singing and talent. And don’t forget the power of VFTW.
Thanks to Jenn Brasler’s wonderful American Idol recap on RealityNewsOnline for helping me with the song titles. I’m proudly oblivious to the entire Celine Deion songbook.
Until next week, adios peoples. Remember Vote Sundance and Antonella!!
Sundance and Antoiletta are safe! This is awesome. If you believe DialIdol, Sundance had the most votes for guys and Antonella was in 2nd for the females behind LaKisha. Thank you SO much to everyone who voted, but don't rest on your laurels. We must vote even harder next week because America will be that much more pissed off. So vote twice as hard for both next week, let's get them to the top 12! (Oh and if you're looking for the Antonella pictures, check out this post and this post.)
We all know that these contestants sing the same damn songs every single year. Thus, VFTW worked with AOL television to create the "Top 12 Most Annoying Overdone Idol Songs" list. Make sure to check it out! Will Stevie Wonder's Signed, Sealed, Delivered top the list? What about that awful Unchained Melody? And how can we forget I'm Every Woman? Find out what we decided to make #1.
There won't be a False Idols this week for the females, and we apologize for the down time on the site! We couldn't anticipate the over three million hits to the entire site we received in just two days, and now we're on a much bigger server to handle the ever growing popularity. Thanks to all who voted for Sundance and Antonella, hope that they're safe tonight! If you have an athena.thinktheweb address in your browser with no graphics on the site, and you can't view the message board, the site is just propogating for you, you'll get the full site very soon
American Idol starts a new season in typical style, with “typical” meaning mundane, average, mediocre. If you’ve ever seen an episode of Idol, then you’ve seen this one. From the boring renditions of boring songs, to the Patented American Idol Goofy Hand Gestures While Singing, to the ogling the camera as it whizzes past to the requisite bad singing. Once again the AI Fashion Team has no idea what actual pop singers wear, opting for “Business Casual” for this episode.
Grading the Idols
Tonight our VFTW job begins. Not that 80,000 hours of crappy singing isn’t “fun” but no, it’s not fun at all. What is fun is listening to the “best singers in America” rise or fall based on dopey musical themes. Where every news program, web-site and fan forum creates “front-runners”, despite the fact that voting starts new each week. Also fun is when fan favorites are sent packing during Sweeps week for ratings.
Grading The Idols is my sarcastic opinion about how the finalists are doing. I don’t have insider information on voting totals or show machinations. I have NO BIAS. I’m an equal opportunity insulter, so if I like certain singers I say it up front, but then beat them down if they suck. For the preliminary weeks I will be using a PASS, FAIL grade for each singer to measure their performances.
I will be using the all-new Report Card System created by Dave, er I mean Professor Chan
A dreary night of mediocre singing, enlivened only by the wit of Chris Sligh and the awfulness of Sundance Head. Apparently “pitchy” is this year’s “pitchy” as that’s the only comment Randy could come up with. Which is one more than Paula who is back to parroting everything Randy says. Paula, if you’re not acting all drunk and skanky you’re wasting space on this show. By the way I looked up “pitchy” and it means “Covered in pitch.” Which is tar. It doesn’t say anything about “Appearing out of tune to a tone-deaf judge.”
Tomorrow: Girls Singing
Finally, it’s time for the voting. And can I say that I love Chris Sligh? I want to have his babies. If that guy would just sing worse, we’d totally be voting for him. He mocks the show, hurls insults back at Simon, and looks like Jack Osbourne. Chris, seriously… I love you. But since you sang too well, tonight my vote goes to Sundance as the VFTW champion for now. How did everyone else do on what I think may be the worst night in Idol history? Obviously… bad.
Rudy Cardenas started the night off wrong with Free Ride. He’s a professional musician, but also a VFTW superstar. Rudy’s performance was just odd. He screamed the song in a really high pitch, did some really odd dancing, and basically came off as the Hispanic Clay Aiken. The hip swivels and the off key notes definitely grabbed my attention and made Rudy a contender for my vote tonight. That had to have been one of the corniest performances in a long while. But no… it’s just not quite VFTW. Close, though. Good try, Rudy.
Brandon Rogers is up next with a passable version of Rock With You. It was pretty boring, but competent. There’s not much to say about it since it was forgettable, but he was one of the better singers.
All of a sudden, the room got really quiet. Folks, it’s time for Sundance Head. Seriously, even if he sang well, having the last name Head just compels me to vote for him. He thought he was going home during Hollywood because he sucked. Instead, the producers kept him around to suck even more in the top 24 for ratings. VFTW thanks them for the noble gesture. Sundance performs Nights in White Satin. It’s so off key and terrible and he’s mispronouncing just about every word. As his sausage link fingers reach out toward the screen, they pull on my heartstrings. I must help him. The judges all hated it and Simon ended it all by saying “I don’t like you tonight.” Well hey, if we can keep him around, Simon can really detest him next week!
Barefoot and wearing his smelly, old underwear, Paul Kim takes the stage to warble Careless Whisper. It’s off key and his creepy tendency to breathe too much is still distracting. The judges weren’t having it. OK, we’re up to the 4th person and they’ve all been average to awful. THIS is the best talent the show could find? Seriously. When they make such a big stink about ,”Yo, dawg, we’re trying to find the best,” and then they put Paul Kim through to the finals, doesn’t that just reek of hypocrisy? Then again, the producers of the show never seemed all that intelligent. Nor do most of the viewers.
Chris Richardson is so excited because his parents are excited. He talks about wanting to be an individual and then sings I Don’t Wannabe Anything Other Than Justin Timberlake. His head bobbing is hysterical, it’s like he can’t keep still so he bounces around in a ridiculous fashion. He looks VFTW, but his vocals are slightly better than the previous singers, so he gets a pass this week. That’s not to say he’s good by any stretch of the imagination. Simon says that Chris sang poorly but that the girls would vote for him. He’s right. The only way to distract the tweentards is to play a Justin Timberlake concert from 10 PM to midnight Eastern right as the show ends, thus causing the tweens to forget to vote. Otherwise, we’re stuck with Chris, and he’ll probably eventually be a VFTW pick.
Nick Pedro bowed out last year, but now he’s back to sing bad imitations of boy band songs. He sings Now and Forever, it’s very breathy and he’s getting ahead of the music. Randy and Paula hated it, but Simon likes Nick and wants him back next week. Kiss of death? I want Nick back next week too because he’s the only real eye candy. This means Nick will be voted out.
Blake Lewis, the resident beat boxer, has decided he’s… WHAT? BLAKE ISN’T GOING TO BEAT BOX? What the hell? I was looking forward to making fun of him for beat boxing inappropriately in a song. What am I supposed to do now? And then he sings Somewhere Only We Know really well, despite a few off key falshitto notes. It’s the first good performance of the night. Damn, I guess I’ll have to save my jokes for later. *files away jokes about MySpace Ho*
Sanjaya Malakar commits an Idol crime: NEVER sing a song that gives the judges ammunition. Stupidly, he decides to sing Stevie Wonder’s Knocks Me Off My Feet, which includes the line “I don’t want to bore you” over and over. His sister picked the song for him, so I have to think she’s probably secretly sabotaging him. Next week she’s going to ask him to sing Smells Like Teen Spirit and he better comply. Who knew Shyamali was a Worster? You go, girl! The judges all say it was a waste of time performance. They’re probably right. Then Simon and Sanjaya compliment each other’s hair and freshly manicured nails.
The man with a plan, Chris Sligh, then totally cracks me up. They actually let someone on the show who will mock it relentlessly. Did I mention that I love him? First, he mocks the fact that the producers had him sing Sweet Home Alabama 30 thousand times, saying he’ll go postal if he has to sing it again. He actually sings pretty well, but Simon hates it. Could it be because Chris mocks Simon’s very existence? Simon keeps throwing out insults “student gig” this, “sweetheart” that, until Chris shoots back with, “Just because I don’t sing Il Divo or the Teletubbies…” SNAP! (For those of you who don’t know, Il Divo is Simon’s shitty boy band and Simon also produced the Teletubbies record). Simon looks PISSED. Chris, keep that up, because in the future, VFTW would love to help see you win to mock the show even more. You were too good tonight for us to vote for you though.
25 year old Jared Cotter is the next piece of cannon fodder in line, as we haven’t seen him sing yet. He sings Back at One and actually does a pretty good job. Yes, it’s slightly boring, but he’s the first contestant of the night who actually sings his falsetto notes on key. Is it even possible to sing falsetto on key during this show? He was far too good for VFTW, but the judges didn’t seem to like it.
Pity party AJ Tabaldo has tried out for Idol 5 times. This kid needs to learn when to give up. He finally makes it on the show and isn’t pimped at all, thus setting up himself to go home in the next 3 weeks. Not that that is his fault, but hey. He says that his Idol experience has been every word in the dictionary: scary, fun, exciting, fake… He sings Never Too Much well enough, but I’m bored with it. He just bounces around a lot.
And last up, we have the untalented Phil Stacy. His wife and little girls are in Hollywood with him, so we’re treated to shots of the wife every 10 seconds during his performance as he butchers I Could Not Ask For More. He still can’t start songs on the correct key, but he did get slightly better toward the end. It was incredibly over the top and ridiculous, but the judges praised him. It’s like Kellie Pickler all over again from last year. Hey, if the judges will compliment his terrible performances, it’ll just help us later. Simon says that Phil is not as good as Daughtry, because all ugly bald men need to be compared to each other. Sadly, his off key performance still wasn’t one of the worst of the night.
So these are the 12 best undiscovered guys in America? Give me a break. Not one of them is a true star yet. As a fun aside, when VFTW started voting for Sundance Head last night, he was ranked 3rd lowest on DialIdol.com (a program that predicts who will go home based on busy signals – it’s surprisingly accurate). By the end of the night, Sundance had received the most votes, according to DialIdol. If this ends up being true, that’s a gigantic VFTW victory. So keep voting! My predictions for who will leave us tonight: Nick Pedro and Rudy Cardenas.
Those of you who want to know Sundance's number- here it is.
Or Cingular customers can text "vote" to 5703.
Though we have to admit, we LOVED Chris Sligh's comment to Simon. But he sang too well. So it's gotta be ManBearPig. So awful, so let's help keep him in!
Story removed at the request of Tom Lowe.
It seems Antonella Barba loves having pictures taken of her... a lot. And it seems her friends like to put them on the internet. So here are some more pictures we uncovered of Antoiletta, our Porcelain Princess, doing what she does best: apparently drinking, wearing odd clothing, and putting herself in lesbian poses. Hey, we didn't take the pictures, we merely found them! Click on the thumbnails to see a bigger version.
Let the train wrecks begin! Now we're not sure where these pictures are from yet, but here are some pictures of American Idol top 24 contestant Antonella Barba found on Bastardly.com in some compromising positions. The picture on your left is a tame version of the actual picture where Antonella seems to be sitting on a toilet ready to do her business. There's also a picture of her topless at the beach. Why did she take these pictures? And can America hate her any more than they already do? Antonella is begging for VFTW votes, so hey, she may be our pick next week. We will see. To see the original pics, click "read more", because they may be too risque for some people.