A new radio ad brags that American Idol was watched by over 80 million people last week. Too bad it was probably the same people watching both nights, so it's more like 40 million a night... meaning the same 40 million overall. Oh Idol, when will you ever stop making up stuff? As if 40 million isn't impressive enough. It's like when they open up more phone lines and then brag they had more votes than ever before... because they opened up more phone lines...

To enjoy tonight's Memphis auditions more thoroughly, head on down to the message board and chat live with other Worsters in the Play by Play thread. Tonight brings us possible VFTW contender Chris "Jack Osbourne" Sligh, as well as other crazy wannabes, so make sure to tune in!

When he's not fronting Nickelback cover band Daughtry, Chris Daughtry is singing the national anthem at the Bears-Saints game. It's not terrible until he starts screaming it and the goat vibrato takes over. Someone might want to tell him that the word is "gallantly" not "galliantly". And what's up with his terrible sideburns and ugly facial hair. Is it to make up for the lack of hair on his head? Either way, enjoy this on and off VFTW victory.

It's no secret that those of us at VFTW for the most part love certain Idol contestants and can't stand others. Being that Katharine McPhee (pictured with her ancient boyfriend on the right and some new sugar daddy on the left) is on the short list of Idols That VFTW Hopes Are Working at McDonalds in Under a Year, we love reporting the stupid things she says in the press. She's previously been quoted as saying that if her record doesn't take off, she'll just get knocked up and stop trying. This week, Katharine lets loose some more verbal diarrhea in the current issue of Entertainment Weekly:

"Life After Idol: I like my first single"Over It" because it's so clever. A year from now I'll be over the song

On Fickle Fans:... I never bought Ruben Studdard's records, even though I voted for him millions of times.

Justifying Justin: Once you've been on Idol, you have to transform yourself into a legitimate artist and that's what Justin Timberlake has done. No one remembers that he's this guy who came off a silly show [Mickey Mouse] and then he was in a cheesy boy band, but, actually he's really talented. And he's so cute."

So Katharine calls Idol a silly show (no, really), thinks she's a legitimate artist, admits she will hate her own song in a year. I think America hates it already. Her agent needs to be fired, stat. Since that won't happen, expect another crotch shot within a week.

TMZ.com reports that big haired singer Tommy Daniels (pictured, sans big hair but with cheesy muscle shot) who made it to Hollywood in the Seattle auditions episode is this season's first jailbird. Daniels was arrested for drunk driving in Clackamas, Oregon in 2004. He was later convicted of DUI. His excuse? "I was young and dumb." Continuing that mindset, Daniels was arrested again in 2005 for hit and run. His second excuse? "Another young and dumb situation." Since everything happens in threes, will his third "young and dumb" situation involve special late night practice sessions from Paula Rehabdul? More on this as it develops.

Remember that hysterical 30 second clip of weirdos that American Idol used to promo this episode? Yeah, all that hilarity is not so funny stretched over two hours. American Idol, I'm begging you, STOP the two hour episodes. Please!

 

In fact Seattle was an even more dire repeat of Minnesota, including the locked door, a meaner Randy, long painful silences and Apollo Creed.

 

I've broken the show down into two easily digested categories this time.

BAD SINGERS GOING TO HOLLYWOOD

1) Tommy Fro - A smug jerk with an Afro who sings well. Randy loves Tommy's Fro. But he would, because Randy is an idiot.

2) Blake Seacrest - A smug jerk who declares himself a hair-companion to Seacrest, thereby inspiring my hatred. He does a decent beat-box intro, for what that's worth, then ruins it by singing Seal's "Crazy" in a whiny voice. He's annoying, but he hits the right notes. I can see him breaking out his beat-boxing week after week in the finals and that will make me hate him more.

3) Shyamali and Sinjaya -- Jail Bait brother and sister who will rope in the trench-coat/back alley perv demographic for AI. Their dad is a professional musician so they both can sing, but have zero stage presence. Randy says Shyamali doesn't know who she is yet, which is just AI speak for "We don't know what your stereotype is so we can't pigeonhole you yet." A leering Simon tells Sinjaya the boy, "You're a shy little thing with a great voice..." Fill in your own sleazy subtext. The producers are clearly planning a brother-sister rivalry subplot for the Finals with these two.

4) Rudy - A smug jerk in a leather jacket who sings in the AI approved Musical Theater style. He unappologetically sings Journey's "Open Arms" which is 1) A blatant pandering to Randy and 2) A Dickless Wonder Song, which Rudy sings with no self-awareness of how fruity the song is.

5) Amazon Anna - A 6'4" titan who bludgeons us with a booming loud "Respect." She's a mediocre singer, but she's freakishly tall so she gets a gold ticket.

6) Jordan Sparks - A mop-top 16 going on 30-year old. She sings a Celine Deion song without irony and she's affected and too melodramatic. But her dad was a pro football player, so she gets a gold ticket.

 

DELUSIONAL NON-SINGERS WHO WILL STAY HOME

 

1) Apollo Creed - Not the same guy as in Minnesota, but an equal lack of talent.

2) "Hotness" Chapton - "Hotness" is her own nickname. I'm guessing it's one of those ironic nicknames, like a fat guy named Tiny, because Hotness is brutal to look at and brutal to listen to as well. She gets about 40 minutes of screen time.

3) Amy Eye Brows - A chubby mom with painted on eyebrows. She cries and tells us her husband doesn't support her singing, but her son says she's great. Well, her son would say that. I get a sinking feeling that her husband is probably correct in his assessment of Amy's talent. And sure enough, minutes later Amy is tunelessly warbling a Christina Aguilera song, not just once, but THREE times. It's painful and Amy is amazed when the judges inform her that she's horrible. I could just tell that Amy's husband probably supports her on 99% of her brainless endeavors but really was just trying to save her nation-wide embarrassment by telling her truthfully that she couldn't sing. See this is why those "you can do it if you want it bad enough" movies like "Pursuit of Happyness" are more harmful to America's youth than violent video games.

4) Montage of SuperTan girl, Russian Girl and Hate Man who keeps singing "Die, die, die!". They all suck.

5) Froggy-looking Michael (Jackson) who sings and dances a Michael Jackson song. In the closing montage of the show Frog Michael is actually pretty good singing all the different songs. If he had let good taste be his guide and ditched the Michael Jackson schtick he could've been going to Hollywood.

6) Darwin - from "You-ston." Darwin is a rotund girl with frazzled blonde hair and Courtney Love lipstick and rotten teeth who talks and sings in a tired monotone. Then Darwin brings her look-alike haggard mom into the audition. Darwin is awesome and was the only reason to suffer through this two hour show. And by awesome I mean awesomely terrible. She declares, "I want to show off my talent..." and her big, floppy boobs, as she's not wearing a bra but desperately needs one. Seriously, her boobs are like huge droopy pancakes. Darwin monotones her way through "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls, which "coincidentally" is the closing montage song. Hey, are the editors trying to pull a fast one on us?

7) Carlene - A big girl with floppy arms, that could be the daughter of that scary gap-toothed hag from "Trading Spouces." Except that Carlene is sweet, and perky. Unfortunately she's wearing a pink leotard under her outfit that makes her arms look like they're sun-burned. Carlene starts out okay but her song falls apart by the end. She takes her abuse cheerfully and knows she wasn't quite good enough. She may not be a winner on American Idol, but Carlene and her eccentric misfit friends melted my cold, spikey heart.

8) Idiocracy David - a buck-toothed fool who can't sing a lick. He looks and acts like a character from "Idiocracy" and if you didn't see that movie yet, do yourself a favor and rent the DVD. It's got more laughs than 40 hours of American Idol.

9) Nick Zitzman - An amicable geek whose co-workers told him to come on American Idol... so they could ruthlessly mock him. In the most shameful moment in American Idol history the judges let Nick sing "Unchained Melody" for 20 painful minutes, then maliciously insult him for 20 more minutes. Nick is not that terrible a singer. He actually hits most of the notes, but Randy and Simon shit all over him like Asshole Jocks who get their jollies out of shoving nerds into lockers. It's horrible and Randy goes on my dick-list for his unnecessary abuse of Nick. Then Seacrest joins the fun of kicking a nerd in the nuts by deliberately creating an awkward moment of silence while poor Nick just wants to slink off into a corner to hide his shame from the cameras. Nick keeps a stiff upper lip and suffers the insults with his pride intact.

10) Kenneth and Jonathon - Like David Spade and Chris Farley, one is short, and annoying and the other is big and dopey. AI creates a fake friendship that it can exploit for ratings gold. Kenneth is a clueless bug-eyed gamer who stumbles through an N'Sync song. In his introduction it becomes painfully obvious that even I know more about boy bands than Kenneth does. And I'm embarrassed... but in the privacy of my living room. Then I wince as the apparently mentally challenged Jonathon enters the meat-grinder of the audition room. The judges surprisingly handle Jonathon with kid gloves and tell him he's a nice guy, but not quite good enough. Wow, it's remarkable how Simon and Randy choose who to abuse and who to let off the hook. Just like Asshole Jocks who like to stuff nerds into lockers.

11) Eric Taylor Hicks - A gray-haired, manic hairdresser who shouts through his audition. Then Eric "attacks" Simon and tries to mousse his hair while the security guards assault him.

12) Red Steven - Ladies and Gentlemen I present the WWF's Undertaker. Steven is a big, scary red-haired hulk. He admits that he hasn't really watched AI but he does sing some "karokey." Undertaker goes to shaky, cracking falsetto on "Bohemian Rhapsody" and I kept hoping he would go on a rampage and lay the smack down on Simon and Randy. But instead he just glares at them and gallumphs off. Yeah, smart-ass bullies, how come you didn't mess with the Lumberjack-looking guy with the death stare and itchy trigger-finger? Pussies.

 

Man, if the next six weeks of bad singing are this awful I don't know if I can suffer through it all. Our only hope is that the ratings take a nose-dive. So DO NOT WATCH AI. Instead read my witty and insightful reviews each and every week on Vote For The Worst.

 

Professor Chan

dave youre a dork, u guys are sending home people with real talent and potential just to get a cheap laugh, youre pathetic and you have no lives, u think youre idea is clever? its not, its nothing but dumb and irritating, and if u think u can change the true outcome youre probably wrong, u dont have that much power, youre just embarrassing yourself, look how many people are in this group compared to the millions of people who watch american idol, u cant do shit, all youre doing is wasting your time, not like u have anything better to do though fucking losers. oh btw stop giving yourself credit when u deserve none, taylor was gonna win anyway he had way more fans, your pathetic little tiny cult didnt do shit, you even thinking u affected anything just proves your stupidity, fuck u worthless piece of shit
-Speed of Pain 

dear KELLY i have always wanted to talk to you in person PLEASE CALL ME AT (number edited out) TALK TO YOU LATER!!!!!!!!
-YOUR CUSIN SAVANNA

Dude - I'm spreading the word about your website as if you were paying me.  This is the most classic hilarity I have EVER experienced.  I don't know HOW you do it, but I'm glad you do.  Keep up the good work, and I will keep LMAO!  Thanks
-KT

hitching the hate wagon ta kelly like parisites to make money!?! perty sad, gotta be some fat, bush-hating, ugly-ass goth whore, devil lezbos.
-Negrete

VFTW victory last year!  i was a taylor fan from day 1-- but knew others were "pimped" & got more airtime/kudos than anyone who really deserved it.  taylor was a class act from day 1yet was obviously treated like shit by Simon / TPTB & was definitely NOT wanted to win. that's where VFTW comes in.  if taylor was put in as "entertainment" for the purpose of being "voted off" into the show, then TPTB needed to wake up.  they refused to acknowledge that the general public actually LOVED taylor, and actually DETESTED kellie & chris (& kat mc pee). bless you & your site for standing ground & helping out who needed recognition last season, and for revealing who really were the "pimped" ones who's 15 mins were way up. this year the 6th season '07, i will DEFINITELY be voting VFTW throughout the entire show & encouraging everyone i know to do the same.  p.s.  i've read through your hatemail/mail bag -- what is up with all the typos & horrible grammar?  i guess that is a perfect example of who the ace, kellie, kat, & chris fans are:  people who have absolutely no clue how to even WRITE or spell... freaking PATHETIC. good on ya, i'll be voting VFTW this year! blessings,
-a texas liberal

When American Idol 5's Katharine McPhee isn't torturing music lovers with VFTW anthems like "Open Toes", she's apparently torturing her dog. BuzzFoto reports that Katharine grabbed a bite to eat and left her dog sitting in the car the entire time. The site reports, "Lucky for the poor pooch it was a cold and rainy day here in California." Poor dog. Next year: Katharine pops out a few kids with her 50 year old boyfriend and leaves them in the car. Soon, she learns that child protective services is not as forgiving as BuzzFoto.

After hearing that Seattle was one of the worst audition cities ever, tonight’s show had a lot to live up to. Oddly enough, even though a lot of mediocre or bad people are going to Hollywood, the show produced more actual good singing talent tonight than an average episode. We still got to see very little of Paula, and when we do, she barely speaks English. You know what? I’m almost getting sick of making jokes about her being drunk. It’s just not right. Who am I to say? I mean, I shouldn’t just be lobbing insults like that. So from now on… I think I’m going to focus on her addiction to pain killers. There we go. I’m gonna go with a Vicodin overdose as Paula's drug of choice. Not because I know, but because it gives me a lot of material to work with. Wikipedia cites some of the side effects of being a pill popper like Paula:

 

-Weak breathing (check)

-Seizures (oh so THAT’S what she was doing)

-Dizziness (check)

-Unusual fatigue (see her falling asleep on the table or in those interviews?)

-Muscle twitches (check)

-Hearing loss (she likes people who can’t sing, check)

-Great euphoria (definite check)

-Drowsiness (uhhhh… check)

-Stomach ulcers (don’t want to know)

 

So our Vicodin princess and her two lackeys made it all the way to Seattle, just to hear Brandon Groves audition again. This guy just won’t quit. Last year he shot the sherriff. This year, he shot the Tories on the 4^th of July in his patriotic get-up. It’s definitely not as good as last year, he really should've gone out on a high note. Oh well. Comatose Paula says next year he’ll come back as an Indian chief. She also says that next year she'll come back as a decent judge. I see neither happening.

 

Next up, we have Jennifer Chapton aka “The Hotness”. I’m loving this bitch big time. She takes out her gum and Simon tells her to put it on the picture of Taylor behind her. What’s wrong, Simon? Still bitter that no one cares that you hate Taylor? After singing some song I don’t remember, Jennifer cracks me up with her comebacks about how she doesn’t want Simon’s love. Then she delivers the line of the night to Simon: “He don’t know nothing about music. He probably listens to that back country Englishman sheep stuff so I don’t care.” Cue the back country Englishman sheep stuff. Simon’s taste isn’t even as good as Jennifer thinks… someone later calls him out on producing the Teletubbies album. Anything to make a buck, right Simon? What an asshat. Jennifer, VFTW loves you and the hotness.

 

Amy Salgado thinks her rendition of “Reflection” will improve if she drinks water. It doesn’t. Darwin “Mischa” Reedy tries oh so hard to be the next William Hung by poorly singing a song about sex. Neither really impressed me, except I did like the whole mix and match wigs thing Mischa and her mom had going on. Mischa also needs to invest more money in a better bra and less money in silk pajamas.

 

Is anyone looking for a boring R&B singer to sing Stevie Wonder every week in the finals? Nope? Too bad, here comes Tommy Daniels, who apparently wants to use Idol as his elevator to the top. After doing a decent job and making it through, the judges take turns holding his little dog. Paula quips, “If Simon and I ever have a baby, this is what it’ll look like.” So remember folks, when you’re high as a kite, your womb suddenly produces puppies.

 

Melissa Stavros also has a dog, a miniature Pomeranian, who sits outside with Ryan Seacrest as she sings. Ryan is jealous because 1) the dog is competing with him for screen time and 2) the dog is taller than him. Melissa’s song goes downhill fast, but she takes the criticism well, saying she doesn’t normally sound like that and had an off day. I’m sorry, but I like my Worsters to be loud and boisterous. At least she wore great fishnet pink sleeves. Next.

 

Finally, we get to a contestant with potential to be the next big VFTW pick" Ryan Seacrest. No, it's just Seacrest wannabe Blake Lewis. Blake comes in looking like a mad scientist with his poorly dyed spiked hair and white coat. That’s some aerodynamic, odd looking hair. Paula checks his pockets for medication, but comes up short. Oh wait, that’s Ryan again. Soon Blake is beat boxing for the judges, and he’s not half bad. Once he gets to singing “Crazy” though, he’s incredibly over the top and adds in some beat boxing where it just starts to sound ridiculous. Simon calls him out as being “not as good as he thinks he is” (for once, I agree with Simon), but they put him through anyway so that he can become the VFTW champion to beat box during Mariah Carey week in the top 12. Afterwards, Blake says that his dad is the hardest working man in Seattle. Ah, Blake’s dad must be Blake’s hairdresser.

 

I was bored with David Mills, so I’ll skip him. The only good thing he did was say that “it’s been a major wakeup call.” I think he may be the first person in the history of the show who actually realized he can’t sing and took the judge’s advice. Unprecedented. THIS must be the shocking event Simon was talking about on the radio ad this morning. Oh the hype! Oh the hype!

 

Looking for the Indian Donny and Marie Osmond? Yeah I’m not either, but hey, here’s Shyamali and Sanjaya Malakar. They both sing pretty well, so right off the bat they’re enemies of the VFTW cause.  Shyamali (the sister) is adorable and Sanjaya (the gay brother) is awkwardly endearing to tweentards. This makes a deadly combination. I thought Shyamali was a better singer, and you know both were put through to Hollywood so we’d get the inevitable “Who makes it further?” battle. I wouldn’t be surprised if both made it to the top 24. The brother wouldn’t say who the judges thought sang better (him) and the sister seemed a little pissed about this. I hope Shyamali is really a raging bitch who is just hiding her anger until the top 24. What a joyous day that would be!

 

Nicholas Zitzmann (reminds me of zitboy from yesterday… pop that zit!!!!) is a software engineer from Utah. Being that we always have that one token software engineer from Utah in the finals every year, Nicholas knew he had to try out. As he sings “Unchained Melody” and sways back and forth, Paula starts swaying too. Randy notices and begins to sway as well to try to cover up Paula’s hopped-up state. It’s not working. Nicholas then looks hilariously demonic when he hits high notes. We’re treated to a shot of Paula adjusting her vision because she thinks Nick is a giant Vicodin pill. Edited out are the scenes of Paula trying to eat Nick. After being told that he's not good enough, Nick seems more concerned that his sweatshirt is missing. I'm concerned that my attention span is missing. Next.

 

Playing the “let’s suck up to Randy” card, Rudy Cardenas sings “Open Arms”. This guy is way too full of himself, but he’s a decent singer. I almost don’t detest him until he says, “Simon’s had a bad day” and they launch into THAT FUCKING SONG FROM LAST YEAR THAT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP OFF THE HEADS OF PUPPIES. ARGH! WHY? Daniel Powter needs to be shot. Today. And all of his records need to be burned. Cruel and unusual torture, I tells ya. We then find out that only 7 people made it through on day one. They showed 5. Those 2 other people got the shaft big time. We couldn’t see them sing for 10 seconds? 5 seconds? Quick shot of them in the background as Paula is medivacced out?

 

OK, I don’t know about you, but I think making fun of people who have mental handicaps is crossing the line, even for Idol. There’s no proof that Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne rode the short bus, but it seems that way and it’s pretty disgusting to embarrass them on national television. After Simon makes himself feel more like a man by insulting them, Jonathan says, “They would have made a ton of money if I got on the show. People would vote for me. They would.” You’re right, VFTW would have voted for you every week just to see Simon pout. Come on now Idol, show come class. Paula, that means you too. Yes, you do have to take the panties off your head…

 

Eric Chapman is the hairdressing, wacky doppelganger of Taylor Hicks. To show that Simon is on autopilot, as soon as he sees Eric, he begins to spout the same exact words he said to Taylor last year: “no way”, “are you drunk?”, etc, etc. As a goodwill gesture, Eric tries to fix Simon’s hair and is escorted out by security. Soon after, Ryan gets into a half hour chat with Eric about which hair products "bring all the boys to the yard" and holds up production.

 

Another VFTW record maker is Anna Kearns, the 6’4” (6’7” in heels) glamazon who screams to ask for “Respect”. She really isn’t good at all, but Paula loves her because she looks like a giant candy bar. Soon, Paula starts incoherently growling at Simon and Randy again joins in to cover it up. To get Paula to shut up, they send Anna to Hollywood. The girl has some serious VFTW chops and I’m looking forward to hearing her mess up during group day in Hollywood. My guess is that she’s going to be one of those people who disappears somewhere between now and the voting because the lazy editors forget to talk about her. Though she’s kind of hard to miss.

 

After a star like Anna, it’s obvious that we had to get a turkey like Jordin Sparks. The girl is a cute little 16 year old who is far too polished. I’m already hating her because the judges are pimping her like crazy. Then we find out that Jordin’s dad is a famous athlete. I’ve had enough of her, though we’ll unfortunately be seeing her frizzy hair for a long time. Let's hope nerves get the best of her and I'm wrong.

 

8 people made it through on the second day. So Idol only found 15 good singers in Seattle? They really can’t be trying that hard. I just went on MySpace and found over 15 good singers in 15 minutes. The editors aren’t trying hard either as we are then treated to the worst part of the show, a medley of people singing the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’tcha”. Why are they even bothering to insert the judges’ reactions, we know they aren’t there for this part. Please, someone tell the editors to stop the insanity. No one likes these things. No one.

 

Ending the night, we have Steven “Red” Thorne who does a shitty version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. I’m ready to flip the channel when Steven starts calling out Simon, saying, “If you think you’re so damn hot, step up and coach me.” BWAHAHA. Love it. And as if the episode was made just for me… STEVEN TRIES TO GO OUT THE WRONG DOOR. Yes! The idiot producers can’t afford a room with 2 working doors in Seattle either. It’s the return of the locked door. Man, I love that door so much. And just to show my love for the door, I let it write the next paragraph:

 

...

 

... 

 

Yeah, that was my favorite part of the column too.

Yes, it's tough to believe but true. Last night's episode of Idol had the highest ratings of a premiere EVER for Fox and the highest ratings in the show's history. An estimated 37.3 million people watched the cracky baby and zit boy. In comparison, 35.5 million people watched the premiere last year. Hopefully the extra 2 million viewers are all Worsters.

Welcome back class to the OFFICIAL Professor Chan's Grading The Idols #1.

First off I have to say man, is this new Vote For The Worst site format incredible. It's pretty, and pretty readable. So now I'm a "blogger" and my American Idol reviews are now "blogs" and not columns. Does that make me a shut-in, cave-dwelling nerd? I hope not.

If you were with us from last year, you will notice I'm not using my patented "A-B-C Grading system" for the terrible singing shows. I'm saving that for the Finals... but with a new super-secret twist. Now on with the show...

What I love most about American Idol, is despite the fact that their franchise has been valued at $2.5 billion dollars the producers trip over themselves to screw up their show. They must be deliberately trying to torpedo their own product, otherwise how can you justify spending TWO FREAKING HOURS in Minnesota in the much-anticipated, much-hyped SEASON PREMIER!!! Minneapolis, land of the world's largest mall. Land of the funny Marge Gunderson accents. Minnesota, where the locals must sit around all winter building up the delusions that they can actually sing.

10,000 people auditioned, only 17 made it to Hollywood and only 25 people were featured on this show. Did I mention it WAS TWO HOURS LONG?!?! So much padding, so many commercials. Yep, that's Must See TV. And yet people still watch it. American Idol is the unkillable Dracula of reality TV. He lures you in with his sexy Eastern European accent, and groovy cape, then wham, he sucks your blood.

My first impressions of the all-new American Idol season 6

• The Who sells out some more by having "Baba O'Reilly" play over the opening montage. It gets my hopes up that the Finalists will be playing Who songs at some point.
• The best punch line of the show is that one of the exit doors is locked and all the failed losers with their tails dragging between their legs invariably try to go through it. Simon: "Other door."
• Simon got a new teeth whitening and Paula got new lips. Paula in particular looks beat up. Halfway through the show she was furiously rubbing her nose, which could either be post nose-job drip, or cocaine tingles, or both. Or it could just be "technical difficulties". The AI cameras did their absolute best to limit Paula's embarrassing on-camera time by cutting away from her as much as possible.
• Ryan got a new joke writer. On several occasions last year I called Seacrest the World's Least Funniest Man, but this week he was almost funny... twice. So maybe the season will be entertaining after all.

Now most bloggers will just write a minute-by-minute list of their impressions of AI, but not me, brother. Professor Chan goes the extra mile. What I've done is grouped the bad-singers, not-so-bad singers and what the hell were they thinking losers into four easy to understand categories, for your reading pleasure.

DELUSIONAL DRAMA QUEENS

1. First up was Jessica the Mall Girl. She says her Idol is Jewel, and Jewel is here today! Cue Jessica singing "Foolish Games" badly. So painful. Then she has an orgasm during her song. That's the point when I nicknamed her "Orgasm Girl." She's terrible, and she doesn't accept when the judges AND HER OWN IDOL JEWEL tell her she's terrible. That is HARSH! Jessica has a painful crying meltdown. Cut to commercial only after TV's longest awkward silence since The British Office series ended. That was 14 minutes of show. On one bad singer. This set a pattern for the whole night.
2. Katherine - A girl who can't sing. She didn't make an impression on me, and now she can go back to shoveling snow, or whatever her job is in Minnesota.
3. Jessie the Bluetooth Guy - This guy is the classic American Idol wanna-singer who just doesn't get it. Jessie is too cool to even take the damn Bluetooth phone out of his ear long enough to audition. He says he has a "unique vocal range" which is American Idol speak for "I sing like crap." Then he proceeds to show his "unique vocal range" so badly it took a while for anyone at my party to recognize which song he was butchering. Apparently it was that damn Celine Deion Titanic song. He leaves to take a water break in the middle of his audition and then kills a Michael Jackson song dead. And finally, after being dismissed by all four judges he goes on the same, tired rant that every loser drama queen whine that they've been doing since season two. Blah-blah-blah Simon is an idiot, Paula needs to release a new album, Randy wears too much make-up. Okay that last one is an original observation.
4. Chinstrap Matt the Cowboy - He's a bland, cowboy hat with a chin-strap, wearing shlub who looks like he should be making me a sandwich at Blimpy's. He stomps a Johnny Cash song flat, which is weird, because Johnny Cash isn't the world's most challenging vocalist to sing. Jewel gets a good dig when she asks Chinstrap Matt "Are you serious or are you being funny?" He was serious.
5. Stephen - a musical theater guy who lies and says he's a vocal coach. He sings a bad Aerosmith song badly and can't believe it when he gets the boot.
6. Rakel - who flat notes her way through "Fever" and gets the gong.
7. Dayna w/ her Boss. Michelle sucks on a Chaka Khan song. She says her boss paid for her to fly to Minnesota to re-audition, and her boss is here to support her. Simon brings in her boss to humiliate Michelle some more in front of him. Then Simon steals my "Go make a sandwich" line.
8. Josh, a "rocker". While Josh is talking about himself I could tell he was going to suck, and he doesn't disappoint. But I guess on Bad Singing shows you can just guess "suck" every time and be correct 9 times out of 10. Hell, this is American Idol; you can guess "suck" on the Finals and be correct 9 times out of 10. Josh says he sings like Chris from last year, but he sounds more like Bucky Covington, he of the 6 packs of cigs a day throat rattle. Simon challenges Josh to learn an Abba song in 15 minutes, which Josh does. And he sings it pretty well, hitting all the right notes, but with his Bucky gravel and his pained constipation face. Too bad Josh doesn't make it; he would've been a Vote For The Worst candidate for sure.

SELLING MY DIGNITY TO GET ON TV

1. Apollo Creed - A guy dressed like Apollo Creed from Rocky IV, complete with Uncle Sam hat, boxing gloves and crazy eyes expression. Then he sings an opera "Aria song" in Italian. Which is not bad... but this show ain't Opera Idol. Apollo will be back at least 4 or 5 more times on Bad Singing month recaps, AI ads and The Excruciating Finals sing-off.
2. Tayshaun - a girl who stabs Prince's "Kiss" in the femoral artery and lets the song bleed to death slowly. She forgets ALL the words, and the judges let her spiral the drain for what feels like an hour.
3. Amish Troy - An Amish guy who never watched Idol (because he's Amish and doesn't have a TV) and sings a weird song badly. It's embarrassing, but then luckily none of his family will ever see his performance, BECAUSE THEY'RE AMISH. What if he made it to Hollywood, would he take a horse and buggy?
4. Quick clips of Sweater-vest Kah'Reem and Horrible Finger Puppet Alex. They manage to suck with only three seconds of screen time between them.

MEDIOCRE SINGERS GOING TO HOLLYWOOD

1. Denise the self-proclaimed crack baby. She's got the best sob story and she sings in the standard overwrought, melisma happy AI style. She gets a gold ticket.
2. Jarrod the Reagan Idol - Jarrod is the AI requisite serviceman in uniform who sings okay. He tells the story about winning Ronald Reagan Idol on his aircraft carrier. He sings the so bad it should be banned from AI Rascal Flatts song, and gets a gold ticket anyway.
3. Rachel The Reservist - The AI Requisite servicewoman in uniform who sings okay. Rachel is too perky by half and I start to hate her 5 minutes into her epic 3-hour audition. But the judges love her high-quality ass-kissing so she gets a gold ticket.
4. Matt the Zit Guy - I can't remember anything he said, or what he sang, because I was too distracted by a gigantic, bloody zit on his nose. Ouch! The judges were willing to overlook it to give him a gold ticket.
5. Michelle a cute blonde girl who sings okay. When I say "cute blonde" I mean Minnesota cute. Like she was probably the hottest girl at her high school but she still has snaggle teeth and beady eyes. She gets a gold ticket.
6. Curly Hair Sarah - She looks like a "January Man" era Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, but without the sharp downward career trajectory. Sarah sings "Over the Rainbow" as I barf in my bowl of guacamole. She sings it nasally but hits all the right notes. She gets a gold ticket.
7. Perla, the Colombian Seductress - Perla is my personal favorite of the evening and early Vote For The Worst contender. Her breasts precede her through the door and she sings with a weird, nasally accent. Perla has a strong Charro vibe to her. And because she's from the continent of South America the judges immediately declare her a Shakira wannabe and force her to sing a Shakira song which she does fairly well. Randy declares, "There's something about you that I like." I don't know Randy, could it be her giant boobs? Perla gets a gold ticket. Yay!

GENUINELY AWFUL WILLIAM HUNG-A-BES

This is what we suffered through two hours of this crappy show for.

1. Trista The Cowardly Lion Girl - She sings a song from "Wizard of Oz" with a Chewbacca moan at the end of every line. Hysterical. Also she's wearing an outfit that she probably made herself, and decided to punish herself by wearing it. She leaves in a huff when the judges inform her that she's terrible.
2. Dana - a typical AI horrible singer but then she hits a high note scream that could shatter glass. Awesome.
3. Jason the Juggler - Jason speak-sings in a tired monotone while he listlessly juggles a stick. He's gobsmacked when the judges tell him he's horrible. Then he throws a world-class crying fit afterwards, weeping on his mother's shoulder. He declares: "I just wanted to start off famous, and they wouldn't let me." Seacrest suggests that Jason always has juggling as a fall-back plan. Jason hilariously whines: "Juggling is just my entertainment, it's not my way of life!" That performance alone nearly justifies this entire show.
   
   Then a brilliant camera pan from a shattered Jason the Juggler to a horrified--
4. Brenna the Beast - Brenna is a HUGE American Idol fan. She declares that she has every episode on tape. Then she screams her way through Queen's "Under Pressure." Which I should mention is a DUET. Brenna lies and says she's a voice teacher and just doesn't understand why the judges think she's horrible. Amazing!

So that's it. An hour-fifty-five of filler and maybe 5 minutes of good, bad stuff. Then they showed a 30 second clip of "Hills Have Eyes" mutants from the Seattle auditions and I couldn't stop laughing. So there were more laughs in a 30 second preview than in two long, tedious hours. Hey, American Idol is the #1 show on TV for a reason!

 

See you tomorrow.

Professor Chan
For questions, comments fan mail - vftwchan@gmail.com