Vote for the Worst

Hollywood Part 2: Like Group Rounds, But Boring And With More Vomit

Insane — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:11:42 EST

We're back in Hollywood again, and that only means one thing: GAH-ROOPS. In eleven years, this round is the only one which has consistently been entertaining, unless you count Season 9, which I consider completely void and invalid. Then again, I've said before that I think Season 11 is going to make Season 9 look like Season 5, so while I'm hopeful, I'm not exactly holding my breath for an epic garoop episode. Here we go...

We left off last night with Symone Black, who fell off the stage while singing Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay. Symone is a genius. By falling, she has made the song more interesting than many former AI contestants have. As she falls, Ryan and many members of the crew gather around Symone and call for medical attention, while the judges stare on cluelessly. Steven and J Lo can't even be bothered to stand up, and they talk about her like she's not laying just a few feet in front of them. Class act, J Lo and Steven. Class act. J Lo realizes she looks like a major twat and jumps up to help, while the other contestants play up to the Bible Belt by starting a prayer circle.

The List of Cleared Songs for American Idol 11

thefunnystone — Thu, 9 Feb 2012 22:46:04 EST

The Idol Pad has posted something fun: the complete list of cleared songs for American Idol 11. We're assuming this list is for the entire season, so it'll be interesting to keep checking this out. VFTW recommends the following songs on the list if any of the season 11 contestants are looking for our votes (yes, these songs are actually on the cleared list). And we don't want them done in an "acoustic, ironic" version: that shit is tired.

Anything by Britney Spears, Katy Perry, or Ke$ha

Take On Me - A-Ha

I Love You - Barney

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy - Big and Rich

Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

I Touch Myself - Divinyls

Like a G6 - Far East Movement

Smile - Lily Allen

Mambo #5 - Lou Bega

Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5

You Got It (The Right Stuff) - New Kids on the Block

Your Love - Nicki Minaj

Straight Up - Paula Abdul

I've Got No Strings - Pinocchio

Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls

I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred

S&M - Rihanna

Wannabe - Spice Girls

Supermodel - Taylor Dayne and RuPaul

No Scrubs - TLC

Hollywood Part 2: Everybody Puke!

smarterthanpickler — Thu, 9 Feb 2012 21:59:23 EST

We're back for VFTW's favorite time of season...Gah-Roops! as people will forever have their reputations destroyed just to be on a failing karaoke show. We begin with a flashback to Symone Black's awesome wipeout from last night. The contestants form a Jesus Circle. Jesus thinks long and hard about it, and he decides I won't kill this one. But I am going to give her an overbearing stage dad who'll drive her to madnees. I'm also going to make Randy fat, turn Ryan's skin orange and give J-Lo a gigantic ass. And this medical moment is brought to you by Sprite, which seems to magically revive Idol contestants and, by coincidence, also sponsors this show. With Symone now off to the hospital, we get on to advancing Jeremy Rosado, who may be joining Symone at the hospital soon if he doesn't lose some weight, and Nico Starr, who the only thing I know about him is that he has a dumbass name. Meanwhile, Lauren Mink must go back to changing diapers at the special school she works at while Ethan Jones can crawl back under the rock he came from.

Hollywood Part 1: Night Of The VFTW Males

Insane — Thu, 9 Feb 2012 01:29:07 EST

Ah, Hollywood. I'm so happy that we've reached this stage, not only because this is the stage where the most drama is brought, but because there are no more audition episodes this year! I wish I could say 'ever', but I'm sure that American Idol's long, slow, horrible death rattle has only begun, and should last for at least a couple of more years. *sigh* But never mind that, because here comes the Hollywood dramafest! Said dramafest begins with some boring ass montages. Am I going to write about the stupid montages? Hell no! Nobody wants to see the damn montages. It's just filler from not being able to come up with an hour's worth of good material, so let's get straight to the action, K?

Hollywood Part 1: And...Down She Goes!

smarterthanpickler — Wed, 8 Feb 2012 22:15:06 EST

It's VFTW's favorite time of year as we're off to Hollywood where 309 of America's most desperate people will beg, cry, bitch, whine and stab each other in the back just to get on a karaoke show. Up first is Johnny Keyser, one of the better looking guys in this competition, and Heejun Hun, who is not. Heejun's imtimidated by how good looking all the guys are, but surely he hasn't met Adam Brock yet. Heejun's so nervous that he's flapping his arms so fast that he's about to make a humming sound. Heejun passes through to the next day and the arms start flapping again and this time he actually takes flight!

Betty Buckley Thinks Randy Jackson is an Idiot

thefunnystone — Mon, 6 Feb 2012 23:47:36 EST

You know how Randy Jackson has made it 11 seasons on American Idol without doing anything noteworthy? Well, this still isn't that big a deal, but we'll let the dawg have his day. After Randy criticized yet another singer on Idol for being "too Broadway," Tony award winner Betty Buckley had enough and responded angrily on Twitter:

"OK, I just have to say this: I am sick & tired of Randy Jackson bashing what [he] thinks is Bway singing! It's soo ludicrous! With respect, 'Dog,' your opinion is whack & uninformed! [Broadway] is not a 'style'. On any given night in any given theatre, the shows, the voices, the music is widely variable."

She then goes on to complain about the melisma-fying of music and how obnoxious it is. We're kind of loving this Betty Buckley woman now. Can she guest judge Idol this year and say more true things?

The Band Queen is Officially Irrelevant (And Update, Adam Lambert is a Publicity Seeking Liar)

thefunnystone — Fri, 3 Feb 2012 19:22:32 EST

Remember how awesome Queen was back when? Well, you're not going to like this. Desperate for attention, Queen has decided to tour the country with American Idol 8 loser Adam Lambert. Seriously. Apparently neither side thought about what a bad idea this is. The surviving members of Queen clearly don't realize Adam Lambert has basically no fan base and no hit songs, so this will draw in next to nobody. And Adam Lambert didn't realize that the only people more washed up than he is are the former members of Queen, who need to pull stunts like this to capture anyone's interest. Freddie Mercury would be rolling over in his grave, but he's too busy plotting the demise of his former band members after hearing this news to do so.

We're sure this news will provide some fun fodder to point and laugh at in the coming months.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh, for fuck's sake. Adam made the entire thing up to get some publicity for his new single and he's saying a reporter "misquoted" him. This douchebag is beyond pathetic.

St. Louis Auditions: Sob Story Week Continues

Insane — Fri, 3 Feb 2012 01:20:08 EST

Here we are at the final audition city, St. Louis. Seven audition cities are better than eight, and one hour shows are better than two hour shows - but somehow, we're all ready for this phase of the show to end...FOREVER. We're shown a clip from Carrie Underwood's 2004 audition, reminding us that they can't find anyone that successful from later than Season 4 to talk about. Ryan tells us that now, someone will make that same trip, failing to add that they'll probably be making a trip home before too long.

St. Louis Auditions: Pull The Plug

smarterthanpickler — Thu, 2 Feb 2012 22:54:25 EST

It's the final audition episode (Thank God) and we're off to St. Louis where Carrie Underwood auditioned, the last winner of this show who's had any major success. We see some angry old taxi driver and this guy, just like VFTW, knows what the deal is as he says all these wannabes are just lazy bums who don't want to work. I've been watching Idol since Season 4 and tonight's first auditioner Johnny Keyser is different than any of the other males I've ever seen on this show in that he's semi-presentable looking and straight. I'm wondering how this guy didn't make the Top 24, then I stop wondering when Johnny sings.

Portland Auditions: Waaah! Feel Sorry For Me!

Insane — Thu, 2 Feb 2012 02:30:25 EST

Tonight American Idol goes to Portland, but I don't give a crap. I'm just happy because I'm basking in the wonderful news that American Idol is scrapping next Wednesday's audition show and going directly to the Hollywood rounds! They must have been listening to our cries to shorten the audition phase of the competition...or, maybe, it was because the NJ auditions apparently sucked so badly that they just gave up on it. I guess people with real talent have collectively decided that if they make it big, they'd like to get paid a little more than a middle management position at your average US company would pay.