VFTW Presents The 10 Worst Songs of 2008

VFTW Presents the 10 worst songs of 2008. Whether they're awful or so bad they're good, we know bad music, and this stuff stinks! Read on to see what we picked as the cream of the crap.

10. The Jonas Brothers – When You Look Me in the Eyes

As if American Idol didn’t prove it already, thank you Jonas Brothers for proving that 11 year old girls have no taste. Apparently tweens get off on gender ambiguous Disney clones with huge eyebrows whining like someone stole their bike. The song? It’s a bad pop song, but there are so many of those. This is top 10 material because the way these guys sing encourages people all over the world to just end their lives so they don’t have to listen to the next Jonas Brothers single.

9. Beyonce – If I Were A Boy

Beyonce has never been hurt in her entire life. This is evident from this song with the fakest emotion possible. Apparently, if you’re thoughtful, you whisper and sing softly. And when you want your point made, you scream and growl. That’s not even taking into account how little credit she gives men, because they don’t understand women. That’s because women are fucking crazy and write stupid songs like this one.

8. Plies – Bust It Baby Part 2

Let’s just ignore for a second that Plies thinks that Bust It Baby is a term of endearment. Let’s also ignore that Ne-Yo’s singing is decent. Let’s completely focus on Plies’ nickname for his favorite woman: Wet Wet. Because when she’s finished, she messes up the bed sets. This is the most brilliant nickname ever given to a person. Because Queef Queef just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Plies really should have gotten the most out of this song by adding product placement for Vagisil.

7. Katharine McPhee – I Know What Boys Like

Hugh Hefner is rolling over in his grave (oh wait? he’s still alive?) after hearing this terrible song from The House Bunny. Katharine McPhee decided to not only murder our eardrums with her toxic melisma, she also recruited some idiot to rap on the song. The 80’s version of this song was one of the few hit songs ever recorded with absolutely no melody, yet Katharine still couldn’t seem to find the right key.

6. Kid Rock – All Summer Long

Kid Rock took samples from two classic songs and mashed them into this pure, bloody excrement. Who buys this idiot’s records? He’s a no talent white trash wannabe singer who apparently gets laid by attractive women and then throws temper tantrums when he can’t get out of doing community service. The culmination of this terrible song was my attendance at a Chicago South Side church festival where a shitty band named Five Guys Named Moe sang this while a corpulent guy with a mullet and his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned danced drunkenly. So so appropriate.

5. Teyana Taylor – Google Me

Teyana Taylor wants me to Google her. So I did. I got a few pictures of an ugly dog-faced girl, and I found out her claim to fame is choreographing the Chicken Noodle Soup dance and being on an episode of My Super Sweet 16. Hey, now that she’s appeared on this list, someone will recognize her for her true lack of talent.

4. T-Pain featuring Lil Wayne – Can’t Believe It

This song made it to the top 10. I can’t believe it. *rimshot* T-Pain is awful. He makes an appearance on this list every year because for some reason his record label has not yet figured out he has no talent. To test the theory that T-Pain’s fans will buy anything, he enlisted Lil Wayne to rap unintelligibly on this track. Ever wanted to know what it sounds like to rap with a dick in your mouth? Look no further than Lil Wayne’s “rhymes”.

3. Pussycat Dolls – When I Grow Up

If you take T-Pain, make him sing worse, and then give him breasts, you get the Pussycat Dolls. Usually their girl power anthems are kind of fun, but this one has no melody and makes absolutely no sense. The girls wanted to be famous when they grow up and sing about how happy they are, but then say “be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.” Isn’t that the point? Also, it’s ironic that 4 of the girls are singing this, as they are not at all famous and could be switched out tomorrow and no one would know the difference.

2. New Kids on the Block – Summertime

You know that creepy uncle that makes holidays uncomfortable by talking about his conquests with women half his age as he spends the evening staring at your breasts? Well times that by 5 and call it The New Kids on the Block. Instead of making a comeback by singing something age appropriate, the “Kids” decide to pretend they are all still 21 and looking to score some tang. Instead, their receding hairlines and moobs make the video incredibly uncomfortable. Oh and the dancing in the bridge is grade A comedy.

1. Soulja Boy – YAH!!!!

OK, so Soulja Boy was #1 last year too. He had a hit song with “Crank That” and got some sudden, undeserved fame and tons of fans. So what does he do to thank these fans? He releases a song about how their breath stinks and they bother him all the time. But you know what? It’s genius. No one can clearly be this unintelligent and untalented, so I have finally figured out the true genius that is Soulja Boy. He is like our generation’s Skakespeare and John Lennon rolled into one. His beats usually consist of one or two drums and one synthesizer line sampled over and over. This is not because he is untalented and does not know how to produce music. This is a commentary on how our society says that it is changing, but always seems to stay the same. Brilliant. With lyrics like “All these ugly girls always got a friend,” he finally puts to words how VFTW feels about the frauen. And with other lyrics like, “Bitch YAH YAH trick and your friend YAH YAH too,” he understands how much we dislike them. I look forward to Soulja Boy’s 2009 releases to find out how exactly we can end this war in the Middle East. I have a feeling that his next song, “Hoes With Stanky Breath And They Legs Open” will give us the answers.