Vote for the Worst Presents: The Worst Songs of 2004

Each week, we'll be featuring the worst songs from each year this decade. We'll be counting down the absolute worst songs to come out each year from 2000 to 2009, and we'll be bringing back all of the songs you wish you'd forgotten. These are the songs that people just can't seem to believe exist, because they're just so terrible. There is a good mixture of guilty pleasures (the awfully funny) and complete crapfests (the awful with no merit). At the end of the 10 weeks, you'll have an opportunity to vote on the worst song of the decade.

2004 had a lot of bad music, but one family took up about 1/3 of this list with their awful voices. And the rest of the list is populated by some odd stuff you couldn't invent again if you tried. So what made you want to slit your wrists in 2004? These songs:

10. Five for Fighting – 100 Years

The song’s concept is stupid, but that isn’t really why it’s on this list. This guy’s voice is so fucking annoying. Who could listen to this without shooting themselves in the face? Do they torture war criminals with this song on replay? Do dogs in heat run into the room when it’s played? Whatever the song’s use, it shouldn’t ever be considered decent music.

9. Snoop Dogg – Drop It Like It’s Hot

Snoop Dogg took a phrase that was already getting old and made a song out of it. And of course Pharrell from the Neptunes provided an obnoxious mouth clicking background. The funniest part about this song is how violent it is, with Snoop Dogg kidnapping some guy, making his family cry, and then pistol whipping him. That’s dropping it like it’s hot, indeed. Soon after this song, radio also dropped Snoop Dogg like he was making terrible music… because he was.

8. J-Kwon – Tipsy

J-Kwon released a song about how he loves getting tipsy in the clubs. Yes, the song’s chorus is ridiculously amusing (“E’rbody in the club gettin’ tispy”). Yes, J-Kwon’s haircut is hilariously dated. Yes, the rhyme schemes are pathetic. But the best part is that J-Kwon was 17 years old when the song was released (which is also obvious by the opening line to the song “teen drinking is very bad/yo, I got a fake ID though”) So some record label thought it was a good idea to have a 17 year old rap about how he loves getting drunk at clubs. It’s no wonder J-Kwon didn’t have any success after this song.

7. Jessica Simpson – Take My Breath Away

Jessica Simpson was riding on top of the world after having a hit TV show with husband Nick Lachey and a hit song based on that TV show. She was finally stepping out of the Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera pack by exposing her lack of intelligence to America. Of course, the lack of intelligence played into her next career move too, when she completed an over the top cover of “Take My Breath Away”. It gets worse than you can imagine about 2 and a half minutes in when she starts wailing painful notes that don’t fit with the song at all. But luckily for Jessica, any embarrassment she might have felt was overshadowed by another Simpson in 2004.

6. Ashlee Simpson – Shadow

Ashlee Simpson cannot sing. She can’t. But for a small period of time in 2004, her songs were unavoidable on the radio because of that nasty little thing called payola. To make things funnier, Ashlee wrote a song about how much she hated living in her more famous sister’s shadow, looking for public sympathy.

5. Ashlee Simpson – Pieces of Me

Ashlee Simpson cannot sing. Still. And she’s so terrible, she deserves 2 spots on this list. Thankfully, after performing this song on SNL, her next performance ended up becoming one of the most hilarious events of 2004 when it was revealed that she was lip-syncing and she did a hoe-down of humiliation. After that, no one took her seriously anymore, but she still kept recording music, unable to take the hint.

4. Dem Franchize Boyz – White Tee

I will let brilliant Amazon.com reviewer Shaneequah Jones take the lead here and post her review of this song: “I have to be honest, the first time I heard "White Teez" by Dem Franchize Boyz, I didn't really like it... I loved it. The sheer genius of this song, and their debut album, cannot possibly be listed by me in this short space. The Boyz, as I like to call them, use a white t-shirt as a metaphor for unity among different groups of people. Thus, lyrics like "Hispanic cracka n**** even yangs wearin white tee" show exactly the peaceful, loving force that the Boyz are trying to spread throughout the world. Not many other musical groups try to promote world peace the way that the Boyz do. The Boyz predicted the future with the lyric, "Street gangs with a little fame them h**s gonna chase ya". Well Boyz, you've earned a whole fleet of h**s to chase you after this amazing debut effort.”

3. D12 – My Band

Eminem is never funny, but he’s even less funny when he’s trying to be funny. Then 4 no-talents also tag along for the ride and are equally unfunny. Try to listen to this entire song without ripping your ears off. The one thing this video does get right is that the only women who hit on Eminem are drag queen versions of himself. If you think the video is bad, just keep watching. Soon, a fat guy walks around with no shirt, the group does a horrible NSync impersonation, and Eminem offends both Mexicans and Spaniards (which is he trying to be?) by singing about his salsa. Seriously.

2. JC Chasez – All Day Long I Dream About Sex

The demise of NSync was hard on preteen girls around America, but it wasn’t harder for anyone than JC Chasez. Once the second in command behind Justin Timberlake, JC was reduced to singing terrible songs in 2004 to try to get attention. This song is laughably terrible. Beside the fact that he’s a completely unconvincing rocker, the cheesy video is a masterpiece of VFTW. At least he’s really going for it and not trying to be embarrassed, but he really is the only one in on the joke. The rest of us are just laughing at him for releasing the second worst song of 2004.

1. Eamon – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)

Eamon is a misunderstood poet. Instead of using flowery prose to express his feelings, he takes a minimalistic approach and expresses himself with timeless quotes like “fuck you you ho, I don’t want you back”. To help distinguish his brilliant methodology, he creates a more impactful delivery due to the fact that he is a rather ugly looking fellow with a nasaly, mockable voice. But that was all a part of his brilliant plan. He never even took his girl out to nice dinners, opting for the plainness of pizza and water instead to make sure his love wasn’t overshadowed by fancy food. Eamon, you are truly underestimated and one of the great geniuses of our time. And, fuck it, that is why you deserve to have the worst song of 2004.

Leave a comment with your choice for the worst song of 2004, and check back for the worst songs of 2005 next week.