Vote for the Worst Presents: The Worst Songs of 2009

Each week, we'll be featuring the worst songs from each year this decade. We'll be counting down the absolute worst songs to come out each year from 2000 to 2009, and we'll be bringing back all of the songs you wish you'd forgotten. These are the songs that people just can't seem to believe exist, because they're just so terrible. There is a good mixture of guilty pleasures (the awfully funny) and complete crapfests (the awful with no merit). At the end of the 10 weeks, you'll have an opportunity to vote on the worst song of the decade.

Now, 2009 was a tough year. I'm not lying when I say this year had the crappiest music, by far, of the decade. It was ridiculously difficult to narrow this list down to 10 songs. Because only 10 could fit, we're missing out on a lot of crap. So sorry to Pitbull, Eminem, Jennifer Lopez, Taylor Swift, Chris Brown, and other people that suck hardcore. I wish I could've included you. You also know it's a bad year when both T-Pain and Soulja Boy release music and neither make it on the list. So prepare for the suck, and check out the 10 worst songs of 2009:

10. Bowling for Soup – My Wena

Who doesn’t love a good song about a penis? Bowling for Soup seem to have devolved year after year to the point where now their failed attempts at humor have gotten so bad that a song about penises was the only place to go. The ridiculous music video (complete with a woman in a penis costume) pushes this one onto the top 10 list, even if the song pretends to be about a weiner dog at the end. No matter if you love or hate this one, it’s definitely one of the worst songs of the year for its dedication to urine, semen, and hand job jokes.

9. Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling

I could go into why this song is so obnoxious and why every offering the Black Eyed Peas defecated into a microphone this year offends me. But I’ll let this guy do the talking, because he’s funnier than anything I can think of.

8. Jeremih – Birthday Sex

Girl, tell me where you want your gift? With some of the most ridiculous lyrics of the year and a remix featuring none other than R. Kelly, it’s clear that Birthday Sex deserves a spot on the 10 worst songs of the year. But in a recession year, it might be a good trend for Jeremih to start. Guys around the country can just stop buying their girlfriends and wives gifts and just say their dick is gift enough. Hey, if it worked for Justin Timberlake…

7. Beyonce – Ego

If Birthday Sex was too subtle for you, let’s have Beyonce tell us why she loves her man so much. It’s because of his ego: it’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, and it won’t fit. Maybe she can do a remix with Bowling for Soup? Even if you ignore the extreme double entendres, the best part of the song is Beyonce’s caterwauling when she brags she “don't need no beat, I can sing it with piano” and then starts moaning like a cat in heat with something stuck in her throat (probably her man's ego). She may have had plenty of hit singles this year, but this one was a miss in ahem… a big way.

6. Asher Roth – I Love College

Yes, many people love the college days of drinking, weed, and parties. But to rap about it with very little conviction and even lamer rhymes… sorry, Asher, it’s not going to work. It also doesn’t help that you look at least 5 years too old to be in college, so your rap seems pathetic. No one wants to hear the creepy guy who should’ve graduated already singing “Chug, chug, chug.” It’s also interesting to note that Asher’s rap gets progressively slower as the song goes on, either because he’s high or gradually losing interest. Either way, this song sucks and we shouldn’t be hearing from Asher again after this one.

5. Danny Gokey – It’s Only

With a slew of terrible offerings from Idol contestants this year (Adam Lambert, anyone?), it takes a really shitty song to stand out in the pack. Danny Gokey accomplished this feat by releasing faux-country tune It’s Only. Trying to sound preachy and religious like a bad stereotype of country music, Danny’s story about helping those less fortunate makes you want to kick him in the teeth, especially for his use of nonsense syllables “la da da da da” that constantly to grate on your last nerve. By the time he tells a story about an old woman who can’t get into the church, but “don’t worry, it’s only Jesus… la da da da da”, you’ll be happy to know that his record label immediately scrapped this single’s release after poor reception. It’s only fitting that his career should follow suit soon.

4. 3Oh!3 – Don’t Trust Me

This song is so absurdly silly, I can’t help but love it. 3Oh!3 are a comedic group singing about groupies who stalk bands and look pathetic. But you have to love stupid lyrics like “Don’t trust a ho, never trust a ho” and “Shhhh girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips”. It’s brilliant, it’s terrible, and it’s guaranteed to make you wonder which record label hired a Worster to run the A&R department.

3. Kid Cudi featuring Kanye West, Common, and Lady Gaga – Make Her Say (I Poke Her Face)

One of the absolute WTF songs of the year takes a sample from a song that was already kitschy and bizarre, Poker Face (“I’m bluffin/With my muffin”), and makes it even stupider. Kid Cudi takes a literal interpretation and talks about poking girls’ faces, but since that was too risqué to be a song title, the song;s title was changed from I Poke Her Face to Make Her Say. The song merely takes popular lines from this year’s rap songs and puts them through a crap processor to create a true masterpiece of brashness. Lady Gaga supposedly released her song’s sample for inclusion because the rappers understood the true meaning of her song. Her song is about shoving her tranny cooch in people’s faces, what’s not to get? Make Her Say combines many bad songs into one, yet it takes 4 people to deliver the message. It’s a true artform and I can’t help but love it for its terribleness.

2. Miley Cyrus – Hoedown Throwdown

Miley Cyrus had plenty of awful music to choose from for inclusion on the list this year. She exposed her idiocy by saying in an interview that she hates the songs she pretends to like in the lyrics of Party in the USA. She exposed just how weak and pathetic her voice is while singing The Climb. But nothing could prepare you for the Boom-Boom-Clap, Boom-Dee-Clap-Dee-Clap. As if Miley Cyrus was obnoxious enough as it is, she had to create a ludicrous dance that involved so many unbearable steps that no one would bother to try to remember it… all while still singing like a chain-smoking redneck. If you can bare to pop it-lock it-polka dot it, you should also attempt the fist full of pills-glass of water-swallow.

1. Brokencyde - Freaxxx (or any of their songs)

There just aren’t any words. You just have to watch. Brokencyde has been hailed by critics as one of the worst bands ever and were even called “the Soulja Boy of emo”. That’s enough of an endorsement for us to make them #1 on the worst list for 2009. The truth is that you can pick any of their songs for this #1 spot, because they’re all terrible. There’s 40 oz. There’s Booty Call. But I think this one really deserves the top honor. This song was technically released for the first time at the very end of 2008 on an EP, but was rereleased this year on Brokencyde’s first full album, so it more than qualifies as horrible music from 2009. You want to think these guys are just kidding, but even if they are, it doesn’t make your ears bleed any less. Seriously, these guys have a record deal and their album charted on Billboard. Seriously. So pick any interchangeable Brokencyde song and give them the #1 spot. Because they’ve earned it.

Leave a comment with your choice for the worst song of 2009, and check back later this week for your chance to put in your vote for the worst song of the decade.