A Warning to the American Idol 9 Touring Contestants - Watch Out for the Frauen

Posted by thefunnystone on Friday, June 04, 2010 at 7:38 PM EDT
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American Idol 9 top 10 contestants: People will now pay money to see you on tour. This will be your first glimpse as to what the average American Idol viewer is like. Trust us, you're going to be surprised and disgusted. The contestants are always shocked every single year and this year will be no exception. So take our advice: stay away from the frauen.

The "frauen" is our name for the group that makes up the majority of American Idol fans: bored, middle aged, extremely fat housewives with nothing better to do than create puffy paint T-shirts with your name on them. They usually smell bad, just ask Adam Lambert. The frauen are the majority of the American Idol audience that voted for you these past few months, and they now feel like they own you and you owe them something as you start your careers. Don't pander to them. You'll be tempted to try to be nice to these people, but they're fucking crazy. If you start pandering to them now, they'll become your major fanbase. Why is this a bad thing? They will harass you on the tour and find out what hotel you're staying at if you don't do exactly what they want. They will even do things like throw their underwear on stage at you. They ruin careers. If you're lucky enough to get a song on the radio, they will over-request it, causing the DJs to drop it like a bad habit. They will vehemently attack anyone who says anything bad about you using poor spelling and CAPS LOCK, causing normal people to associate you with idiots. Sometimes they even stalk the contestants or threaten murder. A fat woman with a knife who finds out your parents' address is a scary thing.

Contestants, you are not special. This happens every year. And it will happen to you. Especially to the guys. Lee and Casey, you need to watch your backs the most because frauen love dirty looking guys (they find you attainable). We're telling you this for your own good. Do not pander to the frauen. Ignore the sea of heifers. If you do not take our advice, have fun and get ready for a sweaty, smelly ride.


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T.J.
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 8:13 PM Reply with quote
VFTW's Lifeguard Location: Doing an Awkward Elbow Dance.

I almost pity them. Almost.
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sadako
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 9:12 PM Reply with quote
Location: Mobile - Inside either the well or the TV

Wait...is that woman groping Casey's chest?! Fondling his nipple?! WTF! Barf This woman has no decency. And, this is just the start. FugLee and Goat-boy have been warned. Be afraid, be very afraid.

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MrsHomer
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 9:30 PM Reply with quote

Poor Casey. That woman has the crazy eyes kara
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T.J.
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 9:54 PM Reply with quote
VFTW's Lifeguard Location: Doing an Awkward Elbow Dance.

This is why we can't have nice things!!!
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Insane
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 10:04 PM Reply with quote
Administrator Location: Back East, different places

They never learn.
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Tinnerz
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 10:21 PM Reply with quote
Location: On the Satellite of Love with Joel and the bots

You'd think these would be the type of people to know better than to do stupid shit like this. Odd how most of the the younger fans seem to have more sense, respect, and dignity.
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T.J.
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 10:37 PM Reply with quote
VFTW's Lifeguard Location: Doing an Awkward Elbow Dance.

^Not by much.

*facepalm


Last edited by T.J. on 6/4/2010 at 10:37 PM
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GreenCow
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 11:17 PM Reply with quote
Location: Lost City of Atlantis

The picture is very creepy and disturbing. :( I feel bad for Casey. If a male fan attempted such a thing on a female contestant, he would rightly be put in prison and shunned by society. I think the same standard should apply for the male contestants: they, and society as a whole, shouldn't permit women do this to them.
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Mugsy
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 11:27 PM Reply with quote
Location: And, it DO take nerve.

The frauen, in order to get close to you, will befriend the other idols on the tour, to get messages and gifts to you. They will also stalk anyone associated with you, including your family, friends, someone who went to school with you in 4th grade, and if you get so lucky, your manager.

For some reason, many of the frauen are school teachers. They will teach their students your songs and give extra credit for class assignments that focus on you. They will eat your favorite foods, and go to your church, no matter what their religious background is. They will drag their children to meet you, pretending that it's really their child who is the fan. And, they will film it all and put it up on youtube.
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Analog_Kid
Posted: 6/4/2010 at 11:29 PM Reply with quote
Location: Middletown

They need to be treated like stray cats (cows). If you feed a stray it will keep coming back for more. If you fire your shoe at it a few times, it will eventually stop coming around and find greener pastures.


Last edited by Analog_Kid on 6/4/2010 at 11:30 PM
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