Phillip Phillips - Watch Your Back. The Idols Live Tour Kicks Off this Weekend

Posted by thefunnystone on Monday, July 02, 2012 at 3:11 PM EDT
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Phillip Phillips and a frauPhillips Phillips, we're going to give you the same warning we give all of the WGWGs. Ever since the days of Clay Aiken, obsessive southern housewives with nothing better to do have been lusting after American Idol contestants. These women, known as the frauen round these parts, are cray cray. These women make up the majority of the Idol audience - it's not teenagers. Now, you may not have to worry about your career dying since winning American Idol nowadays basically means no career at all. But still, if you fear for your sanity, listen up. The frauen will be at every tour stop, trying to sneak into your hotel room, asking for autographs, and basically treating you like a piece of pale, non-threatening meat. Do not placate them. The frauen have no boundaries. They will grab your crotch during concerts and shoot you with water guns. They will attack, stab, or kill anyone who says anything bad about you, even college journalism students, making it look like all of your fans have low IQs. They'll start rumors about your sex life and then freak out when you reproduce. They'll even decal your likeness onto their car. Sure, you may get a free laptop out of the deal. But is it worth your soul? Watch out! The frauen are known for overrequesting your music with radio stations and TV networks to the point where no one wants to hear your songs because they are sick of the crazy women. They'll even continue to follow you when your career is over and you're playing at Walmart or Stein Mart. That goes for you too, Colton. You barely weigh enough to fight off these women, so watch out if they ditch Phillip and come after you.

Beware the frauen - they still think American Idol is a legitimate talent show, so who knows what other crazy delusions they have!

AKkillah
Posted: 7/2/2012 at 5:29 PM Reply with quote

And the media says that it's the tweeny boppers that watch and vote for these guys Laugh I mean don't they realize that the fan base of all these WGWGs are Frauen after Idol ends?

yojipoop
Posted: 7/2/2012 at 5:44 PM Reply with quote
Location: Just tell me who to vote for. I'm done LOL

PP, the best thing I can tell you is that, when faced with an assailant that outweighs you by at least double your body weight, the fastest way to down 'em is a well placed kick to the taint. They'll drop long enough for you to run to safety.

Analog_Kid
Posted: 7/2/2012 at 7:54 PM Reply with quote
Location: Middletown

The solution is simple: carry around a Super Soaker fllled with pepper spray. If one of them ventures too far from the herd, let them have it with both barrels.

okie mick
Posted: 7/3/2012 at 3:45 AM Reply with quote

Poor P2, he looks absolutely miserable with his fake-smile plastered on his face! Get used to it, that's the kind of fan you'll be catering to for the next ?? days.. These Telechubbies will stop at nothing to get their hands on you; try to pass them on to Colton, they may mistake him for a chicken leg and you can escape relatively unscathed (except for your eyes, God!).Barf

peebeeandjay
Posted: 7/3/2012 at 8:59 PM Reply with quote

Why is Philip taking a picture with a cancerous tumor? Disinfect him quick!

thestorm
Posted: 7/4/2012 at 10:51 AM Reply with quote

And what if Snoozechaz or Lady Ledet had won???

annielynn
Posted: 7/4/2012 at 12:50 PM Reply with quote
Location: Hangin' with the Awkward Turtles.

^They wouldn't have. They don't have the required resume: white, male, with guitar. Pickler

GuitarMan
Posted: 7/7/2012 at 12:10 AM Reply with quote

I have seen 2 major survey results to help peg the average age of the Idol viewer. The first pegged it at 43. The other, which was more slanted to the west coast, was 47.


Read an interview with a Fox exec, he said the average age was going up every year. So we could guess that between all the info, the average age of the viewer may be 45 plus the next season.


I don't think that Colton has much to worry about in getting mobbed by his fan base though. After the tour, he'll be just another pair of shoes with a bad haircut.

Kevin_f
Posted: 7/12/2012 at 10:59 AM Reply with quote

What's that Sparkle Cow doing with PP? Traitor.

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Posted: 11/23/2012 at 1:56 AM Reply with quote

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