John lives 4 blocks away from me. Oh, shit.

Hey John:

I've written better songs in my sleep. How long did it take you to come up with that?

I have a floppy disk in my possession right now that has over 30 lyrics, partial lyrics, and lyric ideas on it.

Newsflash: You don't need AI to be a "successful" musician/singer!

Think about it:

"Winning" AI doesn't make you a success, either.

Case in point:

The two most successful AI contestants to date are Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, based on unit sales and awards:

Awards:

Clarkson: 4 AMA, 12 Billboard, 2 Grammy (18 total)

Underwood: 4 AMA, 13 Billboard, 3 Grammy, 4 Country (24 total)

Everyone Else: 4 AMA, 12 Billboard, 1 Academy Award (17 total)

Album sales (totals):

Clarkson: 9,487,000

Underwood: 8,330,000

Aiken: 4,777,000

Daughtry: 3,920,000

Studdard: 2,467,000

Barrino: 2,310,000

These are the only ones over 1 million (Platinum) total units sold. So Clarkson &; Underwood have sold 17,817,000, and the rest of them (over Platinum status, combined figures) have sold a combined 13,474,000. So just the season 1 winner and season 4 winner have sold more than the other four combined. I think that's something like 32% more.

"You small penis', and small breasted people trying to make up for your lack of manhood/womanhood have nothing better to do than ruin a perfecly good talent competition by "Voting for the worst". WELL I VOTE ALL OF YOU THE WORST. (GET A LIFE)!!!

-Bob"

Wow, this has to be the best piece of mail out of the whole mailbag.

You do know that there are CDs now, right? :P

Bob - how did you know I have a small penis? Are you that weird guy in the apartment across from my bathroom window? I know, it's like a baby penis, isn't it? When I lie on my back it looks like a little egg in a nest. When girls make fun of it, I usually say something like "Well, it may not be wide, but it sure is short", but I hurt a little on the inside. Why, oh why, won't my little peepee grow.....

I am a 45 year mother of three teenagers, and I have been lurking (and enjoying) this site through the course of this miserable season of American Idol. I appreciate the concept of voting for the anti-Idol, because over 90% of the contestants on this show are the kind of pre-packaged "stars" that show little of the kind of talent that true music idols possess. It's ironic that Jason Castro and Amanda Overmyer (my two favorites this season) were the only ones who showed any originality. American ingenuity used to be valued; now we live in a society that values cookie-cutter entertainers. There are 6 cds in my car, I am currently listening to Bob Marley, The Roches, Tenacious D, Bob Dylan, The White Stripes and The Clash. The truth is, none of these artists would make the top 24 on American Idol or America's Next Great Rock Band...

Now for my David Archuleta diatribe (I agree he is the worst, and should therefore be your pick)

Every time my kids and I see David Archuleta sing, we turn down the volume. We started this when he butchered "Imagine" and couldn't bring his Mormon self to sing "imagine there's no country....or no religion too..." It is painful to listen to him sing the same kind of song over and over again. While I have some pity for him due to his age, he signed up for this, and these contestants (especially ones who have been through Star Search and/or America's Got Talent) know the drill. Pluck a normal 17 year old from any high school in the country and they can parse together a coherent sentence. He seems completely paralyzed or maybe he's one of those FLDS Mormons who need to be deprogrammed. While it will pain me to vote for him, I believe he is the worst, so I will gasp it up and do so.

But I still won't listen.....

Damn, I just pictured my mom listening to Tenacious D in her car and I popped a blood vessel in my eye.

Blah. I had such high hopes for this mailbag. Being accused of having small breasts was almost worth it, though.

By the way, anti-worsters: You destroy people's dreams every time you do not vote for them! Or are only the dreams of those who are your favorites worthwhile?

Haha.

Notice how Rita's comment "LEAVE DAVID ALONE"...sounds like Cris Crockers plea to "Leave Britney alone"?

Of course Britney is more of a man than Gaspy.

As usual, the mailbag is infested with the same lame fantard drivel, so instead of commenting on each message, I’ll just go through the VFTW hatemail checklist.

VFTW Mailbag checklist

We’re jealous, check.

Horrendous spelling and grammar, check.

I’ll never visit your site again, check.

We crush dreams, check.

We need to get a life, check.

We have no talent, check.

Sexually hapless, check.

We’ll vote for our faves til’ we die, check.

Sarcastic fantard gratitude, check.

We have no impact, check.

Let’s see YOU do what the contestants do, check.

Now I’ll comment on some of the ones that showed even an IOTA of originality.

Rita, I doubt if Winona or Naomi read this site, even though I wish they would.

Janice, if you believe in voodoo, you are the one who needs help.

Carolyn, I’ll be sure to add “cyberbully children” to the checklist.

Betty, I’d love to have you for my grandmother, but I have a feeling that you’re a worster in disguise.

John, yeah, I’ll just BET your real name is John Smith. You actually copyrighted that piece of shit? You just wasted your money. Then of course, you might be that Turtlebottom lawyer dude. If that’s the case, then your song is funny. But if you’re serious, you are a delusional fuck. Here’s a suggestion. Write a song called DREAM CRUSHER, to the tune of DREAM MAKER.