We move on to our first results show and Canada once again shows it's more merciful than America as we are forced to wait only thirty minutes instead of an hour to cut off the heads of our first four sacrficial lambs. Our host Ben comes out and announces that tonight he's trying to set a World Record for most product in a human head of hair. It's Zack's birthday so he'll be throwing a garbage can for each year he's been alive plus one for good luck straight at Liam.

The replay of the earlier performances is more recrap than recap. CI denies us a potenial VFTW Hall Of Fame Moment by having no group number tonight and getting straight to dumping the garbage to the curb. Derek gives us a decrepit grin that alone makes him worthy of his bottom four spot. Matt is safe and is already digging into the Stevie Wonder songbook for next week's performance. Jaydee will get to contemporize it next week by doing something less than fifty years old. VFTW Buddy Tyler is so excited to be safe he's having a fit. Clifton's even oranger shade isn't enough to keep him out of the bottom four. Liam will be back next week to give us his next version of This Magic Moment, this time the Samba version sporting a Pony-Hawk. Brian gave one of the most credible performances this week, making him a logical elimination on CI, but Canada gets it right (this week) by passing him through. Justyn looks like Chris Richardson trying to look like Justin Timberlake and may have to find a new girlfriend as he's in the bottom four. Dwight is wisely resting his voice and says nothing as he's told he's safe. Greg gets to move on and has the chance to re-create his second week elimination from last year, meaning Andrew will have to awake from the dead and join the rest of the bottom four in the middle of the stage.

The girls are next and CTV continues to show it's Worseness by pairing VFTW Darling Montana and National Pariah Martha together again. Montana's hat would make her a perfect character in an Alice In Wonderland adventure, but that would be dull after last night's performance. And Canada has finally caught up with VFTW and has fallen in love with our Mounts! And Martha's two fans prove they can power dial enough times to make her survive one week. 'Mila has no 'fro tonight and, consequently, is banished to the bottom four. Tara is obviously safe as she appeals to CI's largest demographic; the fake Newfy, inbred, fake blond, hick food eating, trailer trash demographic. Carly Fake looks happy to be safe, which means she's sad, and relieved, which means she's nervous. And Khalila defies all logic known to Man as Canada votes her through despite being both Black and from Quebec. Last-minute replacement Scarlett is next and obviously she's...safe? I guess her naked myspace picture travelled fast in the Jamaican community. Naomi may have to pack up her whips as she's in the bottom four. And poor Maud sucked so bad that even the millions of votes generated by VFTW aren't enough to keep her out of the bottom four. And Canada shows it goes for a horrendous singer over a serial killer tranny as Annika is safe but Christine is not.

Ben loosens the noose for two of the contestants as he informs Naomi that she can postpone her rendez-vous with her Madam for at least one more week while Clifton will have another week to find an even oranger shirt to hide his skin. And Andrew can return to his zombie state as he's safe, meaning that the first contestants in the unemployment line are Justyn and Derek. Justyn's girlfriend Scarlett looks very unimpressed as she's already moved on and made her move on Tyler. While Derek may never be a star, VFTW hopes he'll have earned enough money from this experience to fix his teeth.

Ben finishes with the girls and tells us 'Mila is safe and won't be able to join her Rickey Williams lookalike supporter in the audience just yet, meaning Christine and, gasp, VFTW choice Maud Coussa-Jandl are eliminated. VFTW pulled out every ace from its sleeve and it was a great run (22 hours!) but the fix is obviously in as CTV is becoming aware of VFTW's power and has stepped in to do something about it. Either that or Maud sucked so hard that God couldn't have saved her.

And CI shows it's greatest moment of mercy as they do not subject the cut Idols to the most humilating thing in the Universe, the sing out. Christine says she has no regrets, which is hard to buy from someone who looks like she's just about to go on a killing spree. Derek says his fans will be looking for him, and VFTW will be looking at his myspace for when he finally decides upon his orientation. Justyn seems to accept the ultimate humilaton of being a first round cut on CI by comforting himself that he won't have to look at Scarlet's thighs anymore. CI has chosen a better song than PWE's Going Home for the video playout: Nothing at all. We get one final (Thank God!) glimpse at Derek's hideous smile and his cherished relationship with fellow waif Montana. Justyn says it was a unique experience and was worth the humiliation because he got laid. Christine said it was life changing, but I wonder if she meant Sex Changing. And Maud tells us she's grown. Yes Maud, you've grown into the VFTW history book by not only being our first ever French candidate but having our shortest run ever. At least you'll be able to tell your kids you weren't total failure.

Stay tuned as VFTW does the almost impossible task of wading through this cesspool of crap to find our next Female candidate. As Maud showed us, crappy singing and spastic dancing are a good start but if someone really wants VFTW to put it's full weight and millions of dollars behind them, they would be well advised to bring out their whips, wear a pony-hawk, Pull a Mandissa or come out on a skateboard next week as this trainwreck continues.

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go try to wipe off the makeup on Tara's face.

Now that we've met the Boys, there's nowhere to go but up as we meet this year's Girl Idols (and next year's Playmates!). VFTW has great hope for Sk8rBoi Montana Martin Iles but is always open to someone who may be even crappier or more freakish than her. Ben has reached deep into Truman Capote's wardrobe for his outfit tonight. VFTW Buddy Tyler Mullendore is hangin' in the lounge, looking cool as he's having an epileptic seizure.

Tara Oram

First up is our very own Kellie Pickler in Tara, who for reasons that could never be justified to me, pretends that she's from Newfoundland. She's pimping her homeland more than Hitler. She has enough makeup on to serve as the foundation for a tower. She gives us our first Pickler Food Moment by telling us about some stupid dish only some dumb, trailer trash bleached blond would eat. She's continues her tribute to Pickler by managing to make the chessiest song ever, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, even worse than it is with her fake twang and Kellie winks. As she has from the start, Sass calls Tara out for being pure kitsch. Despite hitting a ten out of ten on my Annoy Meter, Tara is a blond Newfy piece of Trailer Trash, and that alone will buy her a spot in the Top 10.

Martha Joy

As we go to break, CTV shows it's Worseness by pairing together VFTW sweetheart Montana and the vile, evil entity that broke her heart, Martha. I still don't understand how Martha is in the competition as I thought the age limit is 28 and tonight she looks 78. She hops on the Antonella Barba bandwagon by singing Aerosmith's Don't Wanna Miss A Thing and by not vomiting onto the judges' laps, does a better job than our Potty Princess. While Martha has decent skills, she has all the feel and warmth of a tombstone. Zack, just like VFTW, has been on the ball from the start, realizing that Martha is a mediocre version of something that went out of style ten years ago. Martha's young enough that what she does may one day come back into fashion, say in another 80 years.

Montana Martin Iles

And now, the moment we've been waiting for ever since it skateboarded into our lives, Montana. Rarely has a candidate ever given rise to so much VFTW anticipation as her. She tells us she's not emo, she's not punk; she's Montana, which is a combo of emo and punk. And she gives us one of the greatest ever VFTW letdowns by being incredible! While Montana has all the outrageousness and then some to be our pick, this performance was a major VFTW turnoff by being original, current and authentic, something which cuts off our blood supply. Our love for our Sk8rGrl remains, but she'll have to give way to far crappier performers yet to come. Sorry Montana, you should've sucked more. Ask Derek; he'll tell you how.

The Artist formerly Known As Kamila Miller

Next is 'Mila Miller, who says that she changed her name because she doesn't want to be confused with Khalila. This should all be alleviated by next week as all our Black contestants will have been eliminated. Mila is a 17-year-old cutie, Foxey Brown look-a-like. She confuses Canada by bringing an element to her version of Mary J. Blige's I'm Going Down that Canada is very unfamiliar with; soul. Zack is so blown away he can't stop talking about her hair and the stripes on Jake's jacket. Mila brings an element that's been desperately misssing on CI. Too bad she'll be gone by next week.

Maud Coussa-Jandl

Every year, there are certain semi-finalist that get little if no exposure before they actually perform, allowing them to slip through the cracks. Every once in a while, we get an Elliot Yamin who comes out of the shadows to blow us away. And sometimes we get what Maud gave us tonight, a Bobby Bennet debut so bad it even catches VFTW by surprise. For the first time ever, Maud made me ashamed to be a Quebecor as she gives us an atrocious version of a Cranberries song. Add to that spastic dancing and microphone caught in hair, and you've got a VFTW choice, boys and girls! We didn't know what to expect from Maud but surely no one expected this disaster. At least we no longer have to wonder what Coussa-Jandl means in French.

Annika Odegard

And next is this year's best bet to become Pope, Annika. She's also been kept somewhat hidden away by CTV and, unfortunately, they unwrapped the covers tonight. It's clear that Annika, like her friends, visits VFTW as she must know Ashley Coles won our performance of the year last year and goes out and lays a turd almost as smelly as Maud's, sans the freaky dancing. Zack exasperatingly declares that this isn't Miss Teen Canada and Jake describes it as limp and cheesy. This comment reminds me about a joke about my old college roomate but we won't go there. While I wanted Anika to be our pick, I know that she will continue to suck and eventually win my Brother and Sister Worsters over.

Naomi-Joy Blackhall

Naomi is a very pretty, young black single mother who, naturally, is into Heavy Metal. She's wearing a pair of 'F*** Me' boots that she must have been wearing when she got pregnant. The whole thing makes her look like a character out of some VFTW fanfic story. And to the great disapointment of all of VFTW's dominatrixes/S & M'ers/B & D's, etc, the only thing Naomi whips is her chance on this show as she's awful. Sass gives her the ultimate kiss of death, known as You look amazing! Zack describes it as being in the Key of 'HUH? It's so bad, the judges painfully utter the Pitchy word (you can tell they hate the AI judges!). But everything in life's a mixed blessing; while Naomi's time on this show may be running out, it won't be long until some lucky East Coaster will be getting their regular whipping again.

The show moves to a segment on CI's hair stylists, who long ago entered The Universe Of Sanjaya. For those who enjoyed Sanjaya's freakish styles, wait 'till you see what Canadian Idol has in store for you! Canada shows it's tolerance once again as CI's main stylist is a Tranny

Christine Hanlon

And speaking of trannies, Christine is next. She sings Sarah McGlaughlin's Possesion and looks like Kati Durst has become a mass murderer. Christine proves that it's not only in pictures that she looks like she's about to pounce and scratch your eyeballs out. Zack is so concise as he describes it as so wrong. The judges want her to bring more edge. More Edge? Should Tyler be more stoned? Should Jaydee be a bigger hick? Behind all the glares is a decent voice but all the teens who weren't scared away by Montana's performance surely will be by Christine's.

Scarlett Burke

Last minute replacement Scarlett is next, giving us flashbacks to VFTW Hall Of Famer Chris Labelle, although her myspace makes her more Antonella Barba than Chris. Anything that may have been erect instantly becomes flacid as Scarlett proves she's no Chris Labelle by being bland, generic, predictable, boring, unamusing and unmemorable. Justyn may have to get a new girlfriend after this performance. And Jessica Sheppard's mother must be puking more than ever as her daughter gets passed over for one disaster after another. It wasn't bad enough that her daughter was worse than Ritchea Hodge, now she's worse than Scarlett Burke.

Khalila G.

I have a special place in my heart for Khalila as I've put money down that she'll be the first contestant eliminated. She's pretty and expressive in a low key way. She does Family Portrait and has enough soul yet isn't being over-the-top in the way that makes us puke. At the very least, she's middle of the pack. Just one question: Who's voting for her? We know that being French or Black on this show is the kiss of death. She's got the double whammy. Khalila probably deserves to advance tomorrow and while many will be saddened if she goes, VFTW's pain may be alleviated by trolls blaming us for her departure and calling us racists.

Carly Rae Jepson

This year's first pimp spot is reserved for chosen one Carly Rae, who says she's 21 and from BC but is so fake, nothing she says can be believed. Grandpa originally wanted her to be a golfer but changed his mind when he found out how much money Britney and Christina are making being skanks. Carly saves us all a lot of time by admiting she's a basket case. No kidding! She once again opens the Antonella Barba songbook, this time doing Put Your Records On. Carly shows us a side that's not fake, all the notes she's missing. What can I say about Carly? You either love her 21-going-on-14, batty eyelashes, fake tears schtick or you want to kill her. Perhaps I'm a little of both.

Final Thoughts

VFTW's choices come in all sizes, shapes and colours. This year, we get it all as we have one candidate in Tyler who shows our whacky, over-the-top side while we have another in Maud who represents our purely crappy side. This year's crop has not let us down as not only do we have two worthy first picks, we have some of the finest ever VFTW Candidates-In-Waiting. All we have to do now is fix Canadian Idol with our hundreds-of-thousands of votes, await our racist and homophobic trolls and enjoy this gloriously craptacular show!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or you'll be forced to listen to Maud's performance again and again for the remainder of your existence!