American Idol Producer Nigel Lythgoe has been putting out feelers on his Twitter on who people would like to see as the next judge. Two or three normal people suggested Ben Folds, one or two others casually mentioned Kelly Clarkson, then a stampede of cows suggested their favorite Adam Lambert over and over and over again, till it drove Nigel insane...
Once again, Adam's fans are destroying everything, just like when they incessantly harassed music radio and TV stations to play Adam's awful music. While Nigel may have been considering Adam, I'm sure his fans are making him reconsider. With fans like these, who needs enemies?
Phillips Phillips, we're going to give you the same warning we give all of the WGWGs. Ever since the days of Clay Aiken, obsessive southern housewives with nothing better to do have been lusting after American Idol contestants. These women, known as the frauen round these parts, are cray cray. These women make up the majority of the Idol audience - it's not teenagers. Now, you may not have to worry about your career dying since winning American Idol nowadays basically means no career at all. But still, if you fear for your sanity, listen up. The frauen will be at every tour stop, trying to sneak into your hotel room, asking for autographs, and basically treating you like a piece of pale, non-threatening meat. Do not placate them. The frauen have no boundaries. They will grab your crotch during concerts and shoot you with water guns. They will attack, stab, or kill anyone who says anything bad about you, even college journalism students, making it look like all of your fans have low IQs. They'll start rumors about your sex life and then freak out when you reproduce. They'll even decal your likeness onto their car. Sure, you may get a free laptop out of the deal. But is it worth your soul? Watch out! The frauen are known for overrequesting your music with radio stations and TV networks to the point where no one wants to hear your songs because they are sick of the crazy women. They'll even continue to follow you when your career is over and you're playing at Walmart or Stein Mart. That goes for you too, Colton. You barely weigh enough to fight off these women, so watch out if they ditch Phillip and come after you.
Beware the frauen - they still think American Idol is a legitimate talent show, so who knows what other crazy delusions they have!
The Sparkle Cows decided to get together and create a music video for Adam Lambert's "If I Had You." Count the number of women who a) hide their face from the camera, b) don't appear on camera because they don't want people to see how bad they look, and c) actually appear on camera in all of their 300 pound glory. At least the younger ones will hopefully move on to some other terrible person by this time next year.
American Idol 9 top 10 contestants: People will now pay money to see you on tour. This will be your first glimpse as to what the average American Idol viewer is like. Trust us, you're going to be surprised and disgusted. The contestants are always shocked every single year and this year will be no exception. So take our advice: stay away from the frauen.
The "frauen" is our name for the group that makes up the majority of American Idol fans: bored, middle aged, extremely fat housewives with nothing better to do than create puffy paint T-shirts with your name on them. They usually smell bad, just ask Adam Lambert. The frauen are the majority of the American Idol audience that voted for you these past few months, and they now feel like they own you and you owe them something as you start your careers. Don't pander to them. You'll be tempted to try to be nice to these people, but they're fucking crazy. If you start pandering to them now, they'll become your major fanbase. Why is this a bad thing? They will harass you on the tour and find out what hotel you're staying at if you don't do exactly what they want. They will even do things like throw their underwear on stage at you. They ruin careers. If you're lucky enough to get a song on the radio, they will over-request it, causing the DJs to drop it like a bad habit. They will vehemently attack anyone who says anything bad about you using poor spelling and CAPS LOCK, causing normal people to associate you with idiots. Sometimes they even stalk the contestants or threaten murder. A fat woman with a knife who finds out your parents' address is a scary thing.
Contestants, you are not special. This happens every year. And it will happen to you. Especially to the guys. Lee and Casey, you need to watch your backs the most because frauen love dirty looking guys (they find you attainable). We're telling you this for your own good. Do not pander to the frauen. Ignore the sea of heifers. If you do not take our advice, have fun and get ready for a sweaty, smelly ride.