The Sparkle Cow Video Project Presents "If I Had You"
A Warning to the American Idol 9 Touring Contestants - Watch Out for the Frauen
American Idol 9 top 10 contestants: People will now pay money to see you on tour. This will be your first glimpse as to what the average American Idol viewer is like. Trust us, you're going to be surprised and disgusted. The contestants are always shocked every single year and this year will be no exception. So take our advice: stay away from the frauen.
The "frauen" is our name for the group that makes up the majority of American Idol fans: bored, middle aged, extremely fat housewives with nothing better to do than create puffy paint T-shirts with your name on them. They usually smell bad, just ask Adam Lambert. The frauen are the majority of the American Idol audience that voted for you these past few months, and they now feel like they own you and you owe them something as you start your careers. Don't pander to them. You'll be tempted to try to be nice to these people, but they're fucking crazy. If you start pandering to them now, they'll become your major fanbase. Why is this a bad thing? They will harass you on the tour and find out what hotel you're staying at if you don't do exactly what they want. They will even do things like throw their underwear on stage at you. They ruin careers. If you're lucky enough to get a song on the radio, they will over-request it, causing the DJs to drop it like a bad habit. They will vehemently attack anyone who says anything bad about you using poor spelling and CAPS LOCK, causing normal people to associate you with idiots. Sometimes they even stalk the contestants or threaten murder. A fat woman with a knife who finds out your parents' address is a scary thing.
Contestants, you are not special. This happens every year. And it will happen to you. Especially to the guys. Lee and Casey, you need to watch your backs the most because frauen love dirty looking guys (they find you attainable). We're telling you this for your own good. Do not pander to the frauen. Ignore the sea of heifers. If you do not take our advice, have fun and get ready for a sweaty, smelly ride.
Frau Is Not Happy with the American Idol Results
American Idol finale reaction videos jumped the shark after the little kids screamed over Gaspy. But this one is pretty funny. A kid filmed his rather ample mother freaking out over Crystal losing. We thought the frauen preferred Lee, but hey, it makes it all worth it that this woman loves Crystal. Enjoy!
Adam Lambert Lets the Sparkle Cows Grab His Crotch During A Concert (Seriously)
While we totally don't give a shit about Adam Lambert's (lack of) career since we have a new batch of desperate contestants to have fun with, this bit is incredibly disturbing. At a recent concert that Adam did with Kris and Allison in New York City, reports surfaced that Adam (pictured below making a stupid face) was letting the Sparkle Cows grab his crotch while he sang. First off: Why would anyone want to grab that? Second: Dude, what the hell? Do you actually want overweight soccer moms reaching for your ginger junk? What the fuck is wrong with you? Hopefully selling your dignity is worth a few more records. Truly sad.
The Sparkle Cows decided to get together and create a music video for Adam Lambert's "If I Had You." Count the number of women who a) hide their face from the camera, b) don't appear on camera because they don't want people to see how bad they look, and c) actually appear on camera in all of their 300 pound glory. At least the younger ones will hopefully move on to some other terrible person by this time next year.