Final Five -- Glambert Shines, And Other People Sing
Hollywood Week #1 -- "What's Your Name Again?"
Hollywood Week #1 --
Well, that was a new low. What a horrible episode. 147 people whizzed past our eyes in 60 minutes. We actually see far fewer considering we heard just TWO singers in the first 13 minutes. So that's why they ditched Hollywood week the past two seasons.
This episode featured a line of people who would sing one bar of a song and then they'd be passed through. The infamous, "the front row is safe" episode if you will. And just to remove any small amount of tension, with one exception, any person featured in a "Remember who this person was?" bio video WAS SAFE. The exception was Backflip Dennis who begged his way to Hollywood. Then he gives a half-hearted "you guys suck" speech. Oh, Backflip Dennis, with your below-average vocals and furious singing face. You were scary and delusional, but not funny at all.
In fact the few delusional people who begged for their spots all went home. Jesus with the precocious kids. That one girl who sang in Puerto Rico. Basically, sob story people who served their usefulness goosing the ratings for one episode each.
To make matters worse we saw brief sketches of random people who we've never seen before in Hollywood. Look, it's the Hollywood sign. And they're gone. People crying, people hugging. Who the hell are these people? Why are we supposed to give one squirt for ANY of them? I just don't get it. They even sneak in an egregrious Car Commercial for the FROD [sic] Motor Company that lost billions of dollars last year. Then when we'd come back from commercial we'd get a frigging RECAP of the same Nobodies who we just saw hugging. Man, the recession is really bad when American Idol can't even afford to shoot new footage.
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1. Speaking of recycled, Bikini Girl's horn-dog edited video with slo-mo ass shots was replayed IN IT'S ENTIRETY. Remember folks, this is a family show. When we see Bikini Girl in the present day she has apparently been starving herself since the summer and baked herself in a fry-cooker, and she STILL can't sing. We'll still vote for her though.
Other Worsters that we see who get a bye through to the next round... (note we didn't HEAR most of them SING, but whatever.)
2. Headband Dude (I didn't catch his name and couldn't bother to rewind)-- Hopefully he wears his Fame-inspired sweater-vest-skinny tie combo when he's in the Finals. Headband Dude says "I really want this, it's like a rash on my skin." At least I think that's what he said. While I was writing my notes Anoop-Dawg, Jasmine and Rose were zooming past.
3. Blonde Rose with natty blonde dreds, dirty feet and a maternity dress gets a full bio video of her trip to Hollywood. And she's through, and Jason Castro's brother too, but without singing.
4. Worst Superstar Von Smith has a horrible audition. He shouts, he turns pink and he's does wildly over-the-top vocalise runs. And HE IS PASSED THROUGH! Yes. I'm doing that Mr. Burns/Dick Dastardly mad-scientist rubbing his hands together thing. Excellent!
5. Steven Something-or-other -- Dude with a fro and an awesome voice. I liked him a lot. I imagine he makes the top 12 and goes home first. Because he's a black male.
6. Blind Scott -- Mark my words, he is the NEXT American Idol. He's got the sob story, but more importantly he's won awards and scholarships for his piano playing. He's a stud. I'll be rooting for him. Not voting for him, of course because he's too good to be our Worst. But we all secretly want a blind dude to win this. And then hopefully next year with our help a deaf dude can be our American Idol. THEN we will truly have passed a socio-political milestone.
7. Nick "Norman" -- the Cabaret singing comedian who is so UN-Funny that he's hysterical. Somehow HE GETS PASSED THROUGH!!! Man, something good is in Paula's water tonight. Awesome. The show still blows, however.
8. JackieTohn? -- She stands like she has broken doll legs. She sings in the approved overwrought Idol style. In a video later she declares eternal frienship with some girl standing next to her. "What was your name again?" she asks her New Best Friend. Indeed.
9. Danny Gokay -- He's got his sob story and mistakenly sings "Kiss From A Rose." He has a raspy voice with no breath control. He's kind of like Gaspy, but without the excuse of paralyzed vocal chords. He's cannon-fodder, even though he and "Special Friend" Jamar get put through to the next round. You don't remember Jamar? He's the guy with the pierced cheek that looks like some insect burrowing into his skin. Randy loves him, so you know he sucks.
10. Roughneck Jeremy is through. He mumbles through his song. He's not bad but he's going to suck on any week that isn't "Shouting-Mumble songs."
11. Some tall goober who I say out loud "Who is that cheeseball?" before I realize it's David Osmond. I stand by my "Cheeseball" criticism, of course. He is through, but as we know, he doesn't make it to the Finals.
That's it. From the "Coming Tomorrow" montage we saw Beauty Queen Patricia made it, so she can cry. I blinked and missed her tonight.
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Somehow the ratings for the dismal Bad Singing Month was up! What the hell are you people smoking? I mean, the people who watch this for pleasure, and not as a form of self-flagellation.
Hasta La Manana.
=--Chan
"Rat Pack" night threatened to put me to sleep and keep me there if not for the awesomeness of Adam and his wildly entertaining, 100 miles over the top performance of "Feeling Good."
Jamie Foxx as an inexplicable vocal coach was helpful and amusing and he was willing to put up with Gokey's garlic and sardine breath. Also, the show has a manageable 5 singers and is only an hour long. So yay for the small things.
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Kris Allen -- "The Way You Look Tonight"
At least Kris is honest about his weak voice, apologizing to Jamie Foxx before he started singing. Kris' can-do attitude is likable and part of the reason he's still on the show. He sings the song well, if not exceptionally, but when you sing the standards you need a strong voice to carry the tune. Kris sounded fine but the tempo was torturously slow leaving Kris' thin voice just hanging there. His voice just doesn't have that oomph to impress.
GRADE: C -- Not bad, but boring. Simon calls the performance "wet" but I think he meant Kara, who was trying to set a world's record in ass-kissing tonight. She's trying so hard to please her critics and Idol Producers that she's going out of her way to heap praise on everyone's performances, no matter how bad they were. Her ridiculously over-the-top praise made her seem like that drunk, disheveled girl with vomit on her breath and missing a shoe. In other words "Desperation" personified, also known as Paula's Monday nights.
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Allison Iraheta -- "Someone to Watch Over Me"
Allison has better hair and a nice, non-slutty outfit tonight. And her voice is big enough to carry the dirge-like arrangement of the song. She sounded really good, with her raspiness and silly "h-pronunciations" put to good effect. Of course she was over-emoting and over the top, but that's kind of called for on this show. At least it showed she was giving maximum effort.
GRADE: B -- I originally thought Simon was full of crap when he said Allison might be in trouble, but after hearing the rest of the performances I see what he was talking about. Allison is good, but does she have that breakthrough appeal needed to win the show? She's almost there, but not quite Idol-worthy.
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Matt Giraud -- "My Funny Valentine"
Matt either has balls of steel or a VFTW streak a mile wide if he wants to sing "My Funny Valentine" after Melinda Doolittle thoroughly ruled with this song last year. Matt's version is predictably much worse. Matt ignores all of Jamie Foxx' advice to just sing the damn song in his normal voice. Instead Matt goes to the Piano Bar singer bag of tricks with falsetto, trills and melisma. It's pretty bad.
GRADE D -- Matt is already halfway home. Paula said "I felt an emotional connection" but I think she was just referring to her quaaludes.
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Danny Gokey -- "Come Rain or Come Shine"
Naturally Gokey picks the absolute most boring song possible, like he does every week. At least he just sings the damn song and he's not that bad... until the big finish where Gokey spazzes out and his vocal leaps sound like Bobcat Goldthwait at his twitchiest.
GRADE: B -- During the judge's verbal Swedish Massage with Happy Ending some random haus-frau shouted out "Danny, have my babies." Even Kara had to stop and say, "Damn, that bitch is pathetic." What does that even mean? Does Danny have the ability to give birth? I'm confused and frankly disgusted.
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Adam Lambert -- "Feeling Good"
And so for about two minutes the show got good. Adam is so very theatrical that it's hysterically funny, and awesome. He sings the only song worth hearing again. He deservedly gets the pimp slot, the heroic arrangment and the dramatic lighting. He sashays down the glowing stairs and owns the stage. He gives an exceptional, smirking performance. I loved his cockiness. I loved his shiny pearl suit and I loved his pause to soak up the applause for his awesomeness after he finished the song. Adam is so entertaining that he actually makes me look forward to Idol every week.
GRADE: A+ -- I love how Adam performs right after Gokey as he vocally blows him off the stage. I had to go back and watch this one again. How many times do you say that about any Idol performance?
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At least the show was mercifully short. I believe everyone sings two songs next week, which means we get double the Glambert, but unfortunately twice as much boring from everyone else.
I declare that Idol Standards week be officially banned from now on.
--Chan