Hello, worsters! Are you happy yet? This is the final week of the crap-on-a-stick that has been Season 11 of American Idol. Not only that but this week's performance show is only an hour! I suppose they're saving for when they run 493 minutes over during tomorrow's finale, as is the annual tradition. I'm going to help by jumping right into the performances.

Phillip won the coin toss and smartly chose to go second, so Jessica is up first with Simon Fuller's pick, "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. This is appropriate, since they're milking Whitney's corpse in order to let another corpse sing. This is a typical Jessica power-ballad performance, which means that she had a few really awesome notes floating alone in a sea of boring. Way to coast, Jessica!

Oddly enough, the judges are being forced to STFU until the end of the round. Have they learned nothing from Paula's Season 7 gaffe, when she critiqued Jason Castro's song before he had actually performed it? Oh well, at least we get to jump right into Phillip's song, which is "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King, which Simon Fuller loves to give to people he wants off the show, such as Josiah Leming. However, Phillip is taking to the song like he takes to a Dave Matthews song, which he does by turning Stand By Me into a Dave Matthews song. None of the above matters, though, because I know the Phrauen are eating this up like it's a giant bag of Phillip-flavored, dick-shaped Cheetos.

Tonight is our chance to make Phillip Phillips the fifth consecutive WGWG winner in a row on American Idol. Still not convinced you should vote for him? Here are five reasons why you should:

5) You can put the "Phillip" back in the "Philippines".

Special thanks to smarterthanpickler for this clever play on words.

Jessica Sanchez, as you know, has a huge following in the Philippines. Not only is she part Filipino-American, but her style of light, family-friendly pop ballads is very popular over there. We have a very special and rare opportunity to change the face of Pinoy pop by showing the Philippines that Phillip brings something new and different to the table. He can be like The Beatles of the Philippines, only Imelda Marcos is no longer there to kick him out of the country if he turns down an invitation to meet her.

Help the Philippines. Vote for Phillip.

We're down to three contestants, which means I'm back to doing live recaps for the remainder of the season. It also means that this is the point in the show where the producers and judges get to pick the songs, meaning that someone's getting forced to do songs that don't suit them, while the other get to do boring ballads.

Oh, joy. At least this season is over in eight days.

Round one is the judges' pick. W'Tasia is first, and Randy has picked the Etta James song "I'd Rather Be Blind" for him. This is a perfect pick, since Etta rose to fame in the early 1960s, just like W'Tasia should have. And that's about all the snark I have, because he's doing a really good job at tackling the song. He even threw in some Fantasia screeches for me. Thanks, W'Tasia! Steven said that it was "another Joshua moment", which I more or less agree with. J Lo managed not to utter the word "goosies" for two seconds. Randy calls him a "classic stylist", which translates to "not marketable in 2012". I mean, he's a great talent, but trying to make it on the throwback thing is a major long shot if you're not a woman (see: Adele, Amy Winehouse, Duffy).

Note: This is the second of two fictional recaps that I've written, as I won't be able to recap the live shows until next week. I'll be back then my usual 'real' recaps. Until then, enjoy.

We're back after the best week that American Idol has ever had. You're probably wondering, "How? How could this show possibly get any better than it was last week?" Well, what if I told you that the theme this week is "Songs From The VFTW Worst Songs List"? What if I told you that rumors have been flying all week that the new judges might bail soon? And what if I told you that even though Joshua turned out to be Fantasia herself, the producers are allowing her to compete as Fantasia? I guess the show felt that a second Fantasia win is better than the vast majority of their first wins have been.