The fourth audition city that we luckily get to watch the judges argue in is San Francisco. As the intro reminded us, this was the home of William Hung, so VFTW was sure to find some great talent here, right? Well the talent was about the same as always, but the judges proved that they were the stalest part of the show. As if they weren’t all ready walking caricatures, the judges invoked their time tested catch phrases to phone in their performances. Oddly enough, Paula was the most coherent (who ever thought I’d say that!) and actually offered some interesting feedback for once. Simon was also a bit too bitchy to talk, leaving Randy to rely on some old standbys to get us through the episode. So, to fully enjoy this episode, I invite you to play the “Randy Jackson Disjointed Phrases” drinking game. As if you need a reason to get drunk after watching this show, you can play along by rewatching this episode and taking a drink (if you’re a youngin’, grape juice will do) every ti me Randy says any of these phrases:
“So it’s left up to me”
“Simon’s having an off day”
“It’s weird today”
“San Francisco is strange”
“Welcome to Hollywood!”
(Also feel free to drink every time Simon tells someone that they have “one of the worst voices I have ever heard” (twice in the episode) and Paula yells “Simon!” in a shocked voice (too many times to count), because we don’t want to leave them out).
Here were the contestants who made an impact on VFTW this week:

THE FALLEN

Heidi Fairbanks had a great classical voice, but a truly inspiring VFTW “Jessica Simpson” pop voice. Her victory would have been twofold for the cause: she could either sing opera every week and spit in the judges faces, or she could sing pop songs poorly every week. Either way, I was definitely all about Heidi. Unfortunately, Randy was not, as he was the deciding vote. Take one drink for Randy saying, “So it’s left up to me.”
Next, Shawn Vasquez belted out “Either One Of Us”, originally sung well by Gladys Knight and the Pips, but now interpreted brilliantly by Shawn. Simon’s PMS was in full effect after Shawn’s performance, as he called Shawn's voice “one of the worst voices I have ever heard”.
Matthew “Wolfie” Paulson shared his love of wolves with the judges, but I don’t think he realized he’d be eaten alive by the fresh pack in front of him. I really admired his VFTW worthy rendition of Clay Aiken’s “Meausre of a Man”. That was until the producers subjected the audience to shots of Clay fluttering his eyelashes and smiling with his fake, obnoxious grin. It took me 3 freaking seasons to get that awful image out of my head. Why? Why did they have to bring it back? Matthew, I hate you. Simon had to chime in to tell Matthew that he was “one of the worst we’ve ever heard”, even though he literally just said that a minute ago to Shawn. It must be hard to be Simon. Every other thing that he hears is the worst performance he’s ever heard. Man oh man, I would hate to be his grandchild. “You call that a piano recital? It was one of the worst performances I have ever heard!” What a meanie.
Marcus Phillips told the judges that he was a quadruple threat (singing, dancing, rapping, and beatboxing), and each and every one of those threats were VFTW worthy. 4 times the VFTW? Now that’s my kind of guy. His “This Little Light Of Mine” didn’t ignite the judges’ flames, and Randy didn’t even whip out any catch phrases to critique him.
Deborah Dawn Tilley gains much love from me for her 60’s hippie mom look and rock voice, but the judges didn’t appreciate her. After Simon bitched out a production assistant because his makeup was running, he stormed off the set in a hissy fit. Randy uttered, “Simon’s having an off day”, so make sure you get your drink back in your hands. But wait, then he added, “San Francisco, it’s weird today”. That’s two in a row, we’re back in this thing.
Manuel Viramontes was the last fallen Idol of the day. He sang “Ribbon in the Sky” and his whole face shook along with his voice. It was one of the coolest things that I have ever seen. When the judges shot him down, he launched into “You are the Sunshine of My Life” and “Bohemian Rhapsody”. I’m sure he was thinking that if that no-talent Constantine could ruin the Queen classic, he could too. Thank you for trying, Manuel. Your patron saint is looking out for you and the VFTW cause. Randy kept up his incoherent babble with “San Francisco is weird today”, so drink up.

THE CONTENDERS

Jose “Sway” Penala wowed the judges with the completely original and never performed on the show classic “Superstar”. It was a breath of fresh air to hear a new song on the show that no one had ever considered singing. His over the top performance hinted that he had some VFTW inspiration as well. Take one drink for Randy’s, “Welcome to Hollywood, baby!”
John Williams, another military man, did an amazing version of a Michael Jackson classic and then suddenly remixed his own song in the middle of the performance. It was so incredibly VFTW worthy that it left me speechless. If he remixed all of his performances, we could turn “Superstar” into the bass pounding classic “Super Duper Star”, as well as the overdone “I Have Nothing” into “I Don’t Really Got Anything”. John is definitely a breath of fresh air in a sea of Usher wannabes. He also inspired Randy to utter “so it’s left up to me”, “San Francisco is strange”, and “Welcome to Hollywood”, so take three drinks courtesy of the US Armed Forces.
Shawna White sang an obnoxious song from some musical, so that made her stand out from the beginning. Then she did a so-so rendition of Alicia Keys’ “Fallin”. Her obvious penchant for the high school stage will serve her well when she ruins other songs in Hollywood, so I’m definitely anxiously awaiting more. Randy was also on auto-pilot as he had another three-peat: “it’s weird today, Simon’s having an off day”, “things are weird in San Francisco”, and “welcome to Hollywood, baby!” How are you doing on that drink?
Finally, we had Jayne Santayana singing “Sweet Love”. Simon hit the nail on the head when he said she tackled a song that was too big for her, but she told him that she was determined to prove him wrong. This is great for VFTW, because it means we will have another wannabe diva take on Whitney Houston songs when she has absolutely no business singing them. Hooray! Randy finished out the night with two more catchphrases, a “Simon’s having an off day” and a final “Welcome to Hollywood, baby!” If you can still read the screen at this point, continue on to find out who will be crowned our false idol of the week.

FALSE IDOL OF THE WEEK

Along with Chlamydia… I mean Rhonetta, our newest member of the VFTW Jailbird society… this week we have a second false idol. Shalicia Carlisle truly dug deep and used her VFTW roots to give one outstanding performance this week. With her Jasmalien inspired blue flower, she belted out a tune just like any other person auditioning. But then she switched it up with an original (and angry) poem called “Cries from the Ghetto”. I can feel the cries. I truly can. Then, to show her lighter side, she cooed the Pussycat Dolls hit “Don’t Cha”, followed by the Mary J. Blige classic “I’m Goin’ Down”. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept giving us performance after performance, which is exactly what VFTW loves. Simon even liked her enough to call her old boss to get her back the job that she had to quit to audition for the show. Shalicia, I salute you for your 4 amazing performances and thank yo u for being the false idol of the week.
Next week is the return of psychic Bobie May in Vegas. I am so incredibly excited, you don’t even understand. If anyone can get me in touch with the lovely Bobie May, I will love you forever. This woman is amazing and you’ll just have to tune in Tuesday to see for yourself. Until then, I predict great things for the next installment of “False Idols”!

American Idol has the distinct talent to take any small amount of interesting footage and stretch it to fit a much longer time frame. Now, I didn’t say that they do it well. But if they can take a results show and stretch it out to an hour, surely they can stretch an audition show to 2 hours. Once again, I didn’t say that they could do it well.
Greensboro, North Carolina is the next stop on the “I want to embarrass myself” world tour, and let’s just say that it’s a colorful place without much talent. Though a VFTW talent scout could mine for gold in them there parts! Girls were dressed ridiculously and looked faker than those end of the episode staged song montages (“Fame”? Seriously?) And the guys were even worse. Appropriately, some odd version of the Macarena played during the middle of the episode, because this was truly a mixture of some of the weirdest people on the planet. Who had what it takes to impress the VFTW? Some didn’t make it to Hollywood, some did, and one feisty female gave Paula the golden shower of a lifetime.

THE FALLEN

Sabrina Oakley started things off right by singing, “Lean on me till you’re not strong”. It was a fun twist on a classic song, but Simon thought she belonged more on a Jerry Springer soundstage. Let’s put this in perspective though. The girl wins karaoke competitions, but she can’t sing, she’s not a looker, and she wasn’t really funny. So there’s something there! I’m not sure what it is, but I’d vote for her. The judges didn’t have time to figure out what makes Sabrina tick, so she was not sent to Hollywood.
Ronda Jones tackled the classic Backstreet Boys masterpiece “As Long As You Love Me”. I absolutely loved her cute, squeaky voice. The judges weren’t having it though, even when Ronda persisted that she wanted this more than “a whole bag of gummy bears!” They really should have let her through, because who knows what other fun Ronda-isms we could have gotten in Hollywood. She could have enjoyed her song “more than delicious hot chocolate on a snowy day” or maybe performed better than “10 cute puppies with bows and ribbons on them”. That Ronda, what a sweetie!
Donnie Meacham tried to sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. I felt that his new version improved on the old one because he eliminated the melody and created a new, better melody that more of us off-key singers could relate to. He also started a trend, as North Carolina ended up being gayer than Eminem!
Sammy Neighbors proved that by bringing his VFTW worthy drag act on the road. The only problem was that he forgot his dress and ended up just using a red piece of cloth as a magic carpet to sing his new 2 sided single, “A Whole New World / Straight Up”. I definitely take my hat off to Sammy for really going all out for VFTW, I definitely enjoyed his performance. He was one of the best that North Carolina had to offer.
North Carolina isn’t just for over the top antics, they also idolize Michael Jackson. First, Brandon Haithcox, hiccupped through “Follow Me”. Seth Strickland performed “Thriller” and managed to actually be even creepier than Michael Jackson is today. Last but not least, Marcus Behling belted out “She’s Ouuuuuuuuuuut Of My Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife” (note: the notes that he held out were much longer than any uuuuu’s or iiiii’s could convey). I have to give the man his due, he really studied to be a VFTW contender. He even bought Randy and Paula’s incredibly successful DVD (it’s gonna go platinum any day now) that teaches you how to sing poorly. When he didn’t make it to Hollywood, he even went out and smashed the DVD. Now that’s the spirit, Marcus. Every good worster loves to mock the judges, and we salute you for destroying that piece of crap. Now if Nikki McKibbin and Janay Castine put out a DVD on how to sing, I would personally sell copies on this site! Maybe a VFTW DVD is ju st around the corner…
Cedric Robinson claimed to be related to Fantasia, and I could totally see this when he. screeched an off key performance. I absolutely love that he can take Fantasia and make her even more VFTW worthy. The only thing missing was a “yeah yeah yeah” medley at the end, but I’ll let it slide this time. Maybe next year when he tries out, he’ll tackle other Fantasia classics, like “All My Life (Yeah Yeah Yeah)” or “Shummatime (Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah)”.
Finally, Jimmy Crabtree sang “God Bless the Broken Road”, hitting as many notes as he had teeth left in his mouth. Simon told him that he had no personality, but I personally think that personality is slightly overrated. John Stevens had no personality, yet he made it to the top 12 and become one of the best VFTW contestants ever. Seriously, Simon just doesn’t think sometimes.

THE CONTENDERS

Steven David Jr. does something in the military, but I’m not sure what. He definitely reminded me of Josh Gracin with his terribly wonderful rendition of “Let’s Get It On”, where he decided to leave his wife outside to dance with a random cracked-out boozehound. After flirting with the boozehound, Randy and Simon seemed to have no power in the matter, and Steven made it through to Hollywood to inspire more VFTW worthy performances.
Kendra Wilson sang pretty well, but her attitude definitely put her on the VFTW radar. Before auditioning, Kendra talked about how important her kids are and how they mean the world to her. She loves her kids. She’s a single mom. Kids kids kids. Mom mom mom. After she performed “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” and made it to Hollywood, she ran outside to celebrate. She hugged her brother. Then she hugged her friends. Next, she hugged the cameraman and the boom operator. Then she hugged some random people in the background. Ryan Seacrest brought over her 3 children and asked Kendra if she was forgetting to hug anyone. She then hugged Ryan, a homeless man, and the boom operator again. Finally, she let her kids in on the harsh realities of life by saying, “This means I’m leavin’ you”. Oh Kendra, we love you!
Kenneth “Chase” Bush sang Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” pretty poorly and Jordan Southerland oversang “You Raise Me Up”. Both of these guys made it through, and both were obviously gay. I think this was Simon’s way of telling GLAAD to “shove it” after they made the obviously erroneous claim that American Idol was homophobic. I mean, if marginal talents like these 2 were let through, the show obviously doesn’t discriminate against gay people. Content in letting these two through, Simon celebrated by telling 5 other male contestants to wear dresses and shave their legs because they look like ugly women. GLAAD would be proud!
And even though Kellie Pickler and Ryan Baysden made it to Hollywood with country songs, they were just over the top enough to show that in the future, they might consider switching over and playing for the VFTW team.

FALSE IDOL OF THE WEEK

Rhonetta Johnson was all ready a superstar when she walked into her audition. Only a true superstar could pull of that hoochie mama Lil’ Kim outfit. She sang a few lines from a few songs, but they didn’t matter. All I could think while watching Rhonetta was that she was absolutely perfect for VFTW. Of course, the judges also saw that. Determined to stop her from advancing, Paula offered her some “bubbly water” (that crazy inebriated cow!) to get her drunk so that she wouldn’t be able to perform. Rhonetta wisely stayed away from Paula’s crazy juice, but this just made Paula angry. The judges realized that they couldn’t trick Rhonetta into messing up, so they kicked her out. Rhonetta knew, though, that she couldn’t let VFTW down, so she channeled Juanita Barber in the longest tirade against the Idol judges ever. Rhonetta ripped Paula a new one, and for that, I must say I love this girl. What are the chances that I can get her to marry me if I rush down to North Carolina right n ow? I’ve gotta go, faithful readers, but check back tomorrow for more bad auditions in San Franscisco.

Being that we’re still watching the audition stage, you lucky readers will get two doses of False Idols for the next few weeks. You seriously don’t have to write and thank me, I’m just doing my job. There are people reading this, right?
Denver produced some interesting talent and some Paula Abdul wannabes. I agree with Simon that the versions of “Straight Up” and “Rush Rush” that were performed in Denver far outshined the originals. Whatever happened to that Debbie Gibson anyway? Here were the VFTW wannabes who failed, the bad singers who made it through, and our false idol of the week (part 2).

THE FALLEN

Marlows Davis Jr. started off the night by singing Alicia Keys’ “Fallin” complete with diva hand movements. He had one of the most compelling sob stories yet and the judges still didn’t let him through to Hollywood. He drove all the way from Denver to make it to the Denver auditions. I don’t know if you non Colorado residents know this, but due to the high altitude in Colorado, it actually takes you 10 times longer to get anywhere. That means that if Randy was 10 feet from a hamburger, he’d be lucky to have it in his hands within the next hour. You can’t really expect the judges to know this though, as they’re too self-involved in planning their next “real” fight that they don’t pay much attention.
Tiffany Christensen was up next, singing “Here For the Party”. She tried to seduce Simon by screaming “get me some” while making some humping motions, but she forgot that Paula was the one who sleeps with the contestants. Simon just makes inappropriate comments about wanting to be their microphone in another life. It was a small mistake, but a costly one for Tiffany.
The judges also passed up on the next Whitney Houston, Amanda Berg. To prove that she was indeed the next Whitney, she tackled Whitney’s timeless classic, “Can’t Fight the Moonlight”. Personally, I loved it, but Simon gave her a .5 out of 10. I mean, anyone who aspires to be a cracked out former celebrity who makes Bobby Brown look sane is all right with me.
I’ve seen some flawless performances on Idol, but never had I seen performances from Flawless. Luckily, Nick McCord dropped his boring name for a more stripper-esque moniker. Flawless even packed over 10 outfits just for the audition. He knew for sure that he would be on a plane to Hollywood and would need some costume changes. Unfortunately, the judges didn’t understand his brilliance, and they sent him back to memorize the line he wrote for his business.
Inventor Ben Hossback is one clever guy. First, because he’s so smart, he ironically chose “If I Only Had a Brain” for his audition song. Secondly, he invented a coaster that spills drinks all over you if you don’t put your drink directly in the center. I have plenty of those boring coasters that don’t spill drinks, so I’m planning on ordering some Hossback originals as soon as he mass markets them. And lastly, when he was turned down by the judges, he asked Paula to marry him. Realizing that this proposal would mean that she would actually have to act her age for once, Paula abruptly shot him down (but she did not shoot the deputy).

THE CONTENDERS

Garet Johnson was a confused young man that made it to Hollywood. I mean, he’s from a small town in rural Wyoming and he has never sang for anyone but a turkey. I think we all know why Garet went on the show, though. Clue #1- Garet is a cowboy from Wyoming. What movie just came out about cowboys in Wyoming? Clue #2- Garet wants to “come out” and meet people because he’s never been “out” before. Clue #3- Garet chooses to sing an Elton John song for his audition. Give up? It must be impossible to find a boyfriend in a town of 4 people. He wants to use this experience to fly to Hollywood and be taken advantage of by some of the other male Idol contestants. Well, good luck, Garet. We’re rooting for you to have your first gay experience in Los Angeles. Isn’t that cute! Besides, with your singing, you’re gonna make an excellent VFTW pick.
April Walsh also lit up the VFTW meters when she sang “It’s Oh So Quiet” by Bjork. You may remember April from yesterday; she was the one who got on the wrong escalator. For that reason alone, she deserves mention here. Her eccentricities will obviously prove to be entertaining for the cause.
We finally also saw pre-show pimpee Ace Young. He sang “Swear It Again” by Westlife in a mediocre fashion. He’s a shoe in for the top 24. How do I know this? Paula was practically dripping with excitement as he sang. Even Randy seemed to be wet with enthusiasm about Ace’s “register” (Simon pretended not to be interested, even though he secretly pined for some Ace lovin’). I think, though, that Ace is sly enough to do what he needs to do to make it far in this business, hint hint. With his overly rouged cheeks and his greasy hair, he’ll make the young girls swoon. With his shaky voice, he may eventually make VFTW cheer.

FALSE IDOL OF THE WEEK

Crystal was our honoree yesterday, so who will she share the title with today? To be the false idol of the week, you need to sing in the style that VFTW loves, but you also need to have some attitude. Luckily this week, we struck gold again with Zachary, a guy who looks like a girl. Zachary was just misunderstood, because he’s actually a guy. A man even. Unfortunately, the judges were cruel to him for no reason. He obviously looked like a guy in his low cut shirt, flashy belt, and high heels. He also tackled the masculine, testosterone pumping hit “Queen of the Night”. Yet, they still thought he was a girl. This is understandable on Simon’s end because he probably hasn’t ever seen a female up close. When the judges cruelly kicked him out of the audition, Zachary complained that America was racist and prejudiced against him. Since Zachary looks white, and we all know that looks are deceiving here, it’s probably safe to say that he’s actually Korean. And when was the last time we had a Korean Idol? (Margaret Cho doesn’t count). Elton John was right, this show is racist, and I’ll be writing a letter to him to discuss this after I finish my letter about that cake stuff from yesterday. Make sure to check back next week, as we visit the bustling metropolis of Whatever the hell town they said, North Carolina!

I’m sure you’ve read plenty of recaps for American Idol where the great singers are praised and the competition is analyzed. Really though, why should you care if random guy #1 from Idolsaresocool.com thinks that Bo Bice is talented? If you’re at this website, we know you don’t care about that kind of talent. You recognize that the best part of this show is the bad talent. That tool Ryan Seacrest asked us, “Will Chicago produce the next American Idol?” And I can safely say after this episode: no. Not a chance. But will Chicago produce the next VFTW idol? It’s a good possibility!
So, we start our journey in Chicago tonight where the really bad people go through rounds of auditions just to make it to Paula, Randy, and Pouty. These people are wonderfully delusional enough that they have ignored all of the laughs and stares through each and every round. They actually think they’re one of the talented few that are going to shine for America. And this is why I love them. So I’m not going to waste your time reminiscing about Mandisa because I know you don’t care. There were many VFTW contenders who were cut early. There were even some amazingly awful people who made it to Hollywood. Here were the highlights of the evening:

THE FALLEN

Many false idols didn’t make it to Hollywood, surprisingly enough. I personally feel that every one of these people should have been on the first plane to LA. But what do I know, I don’t sleep with the contestants!
The night started off right with Derek Dupree who proved that he could sing any pitch, including ones that I personally had never heard before. Shades of Scott Savol permeated his audition as he was more confident than his gigantic pit stains. He didn’t take no for an answer, realizing that he couldn’t let VFTW down. So Derek came back and tried again, this time singing a song about someone eating a cake. Simon was completely unhappy. Yet I remember a certain Farmbot singing about a cake being left out in the rain last year and Simon loved it. I personally feel that this is quite hypocritical and I will be writing to Carrie Underwood’s publicists to complain about this double standard.
Gina Noriega completely reinvented the melody to “Blue Moon”, and as Paula would say, she “made it her own”. But did they reward her for her daring new take on a classic tune? Of course not. Simon even went out of the way to make her cry.
Kevin Brenneman knew that to make it on the show, he had to outgeek Clay Aiken. He confidently pulled off this seemingly impossible feat while singing “The Weight” (younger readers, it’s that song from the Cingular commercial), but was rewarded by being compared to a wasp and a rat.
Deputy Sheriff Brandon Groves sang “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy… I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy… I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy…” Some people try to overdo their vocal performances with variety. They rely on flashy lyrics and new melodies to garner attention. Brandon tried to challenge that, and unfortunately he was shot down. Or was he? Because he didn’t shoot the deputy. But he did shoot the sheriff. So what happened to the deputy sheriff? I think that will be one of the greatest mysteries of our time.
Erik Lawhon challenged gender stereotypes by having his testicles removed before singing. Lacking balls (but not guts), he tackled “If You’re Not the One”, or as he cleverly changed the title, “If You’re The One”. Why didn’t Daniel Bedingfield think of that? Simon compared him to an Auntie who sings poorly after lunch. That must be a British thing, because when my Auntie sang after lunch, she always sounded pretty awesome. Even after that criticism, Simon said that he wanted to send Erik to Hollywood. See, Simon isn’t all that bad. He really tried there, but Paula and Randy were too drunk and too vapid respectively to genuinely consider Erik’s talent.
Jessica Nelson tried to really put the American in American Idol by swearing at the judges during her song. Her tactics didn’t work, but she channeled Juanita and then Ta-mee-ka, telling everyone to kiss her white ass (mixed in with a few other choices insults of course). I got the reference, because had she been trying out for Canadian Idol, she could have politely asked the judges for another chance. We Americans, though, we tell you to (Editor’s note: Dave, you can’t use this language in your column. This is your final warning.)
Going for a different kind of dirty, Yuliya Matus needed a performance visa to stay in America and pulled out all the stops while singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Her moves made little Simon happy, but not the big grouch himself. What can I say, folks? She tried.

THE CONTENDERS

A girl with the number 522 was attacked outside the audition room by a girl with the number 514. Just for fun, let’s call them 522quanda and 514quisha for my re-enactment of their verbose debate. 514quisha said that she could resonate melodies in a more improved manner than Carrie Underwood and that she would maintain the realism this year. Let’s hope she got a ticket to Hollywood. 522quanda replied in an eloquent fashion that she needn’t argue with 514quisha because the verification is in her golden ticket. Thankfully, we know that 522quanda made it to Hollywood, so hopefully she will have more sophisticated confrontations like the previous one.
The Barrettsmith sisters reek of desperation and showed Carrie Underwood style smarts when they didn’t realize they had made it to Hollywood. We have placed large amounts of money in a betting pool that these two will be part of the “Oh my lordy, I forgot the words to my song while in Hollywood, I need to go cry now” montage.
Zachary Smits and David Radford came complete with overconfident attitudes and a lack of personal style. But the real reason that these two are contenders is that they are non-threatening, effeminate teenage boys. For that alone, we know that they have a high chance of their voice cracking during a performance (right, John Stevens?). Also, little girls will vote for them no matter how awful they get. Keep an eye on these two, they’re VFTWers in the making. Paula even told David to “work it out”. Didn’t she get in trouble for telling Corey Clark that very thing?
In the what the hell did I just see department, David Hoover set the record for making the cameraman work for his pay by swerving more than any other contestant. David sang just like a true VFTW champion. To teach Simon a lesson, or maybe because Paula took one too many happy pills, Paula and Randy let him through to Hollywood despite how perfectly he fits the description of a VFTW candidate. The only reason I’m not incredibly excited is that he’ll be cut in the first round and we’ll never know the pleasure of voting for him.

FALSE IDOL OF THE WEEK

Last but not least, I’ve decided to give out an award to the false idol who best exemplifies the Vote for the Worst spirit and tries to further our cause. This week, that honor goes to Crystal Parizanski. Crystal first tried to help VFTW by dying her skin completely orange. Then, she decided to have a frontal lobotomy. Now that’s dedication! After that, she woke up in a trailer and grabbed whatever clothing was lying around her, making sure that her outfit had to have the correct balance between slutty, trashy, and Christina Aguilera (wait, aren’t those all the same thing?) And instead of just singing poorly and being upset, Crystal went for the gold (or orange, depending on the light) by insisting that the judges were stupid and didn’t know anything about singing. We just want to take the time to thank Mrs. Parizanski for taking Crystal to the auditions. Thank you for honoring the VFTW spirit, Crystal, because you are the false idol of the week.
Crystal will have to share that title though, because tomorrow I’ll report on the next crop of success stories and crown even more winners.