Phillips Phillips, we're going to give you the same warning we give all of the WGWGs. Ever since the days of Clay Aiken, obsessive southern housewives with nothing better to do have been lusting after American Idol contestants. These women, known as the frauen round these parts, are cray cray. These women make up the majority of the Idol audience - it's not teenagers. Now, you may not have to worry about your career dying since winning American Idol nowadays basically means no career at all. But still, if you fear for your sanity, listen up. The frauen will be at every tour stop, trying to sneak into your hotel room, asking for autographs, and basically treating you like a piece of pale, non-threatening meat. Do not placate them. The frauen have no boundaries. They will grab your crotch during concerts and shoot you with water guns. They will attack, stab, or kill anyone who says anything bad about you, even college journalism students, making it look like all of your fans have low IQs. They'll start rumors about your sex life and then freak out when you reproduce. They'll even decal your likeness onto their car. Sure, you may get a free laptop out of the deal. But is it worth your soul? Watch out! The frauen are known for overrequesting your music with radio stations and TV networks to the point where no one wants to hear your songs because they are sick of the crazy women. They'll even continue to follow you when your career is over and you're playing at Walmart or Stein Mart. That goes for you too, Colton. You barely weigh enough to fight off these women, so watch out if they ditch Phillip and come after you.
Beware the frauen - they still think American Idol is a legitimate talent show, so who knows what other crazy delusions they have!
Chick-Fil-A gave Colton Dixon a present: a cow that says "Eat More Chikin, Colton." We have to agree. It's not just chicken though, Colton needs to eat more of everything - dude is scary skinny.
It was another "shocker" as Colton Dixon was sent packing. It's too bad he didn't play guitar, because VFTW helped keep Phillip safe since he does indeed play guitar. We we don't vote for a WGWP, just a WGWG. So Colton, that was your fatal mistake. Almost every song you ever sang was terrible, so we could've saved you and your freakishly skinny self. But alas, you're toast. And now all of the white guy votes will go to Phillip and only Phillip. Woo hoo!
We're on our way to the victory march to get Phillip to the top, especially now that he's the only male cast member left. This couldn't have worked out better for us - frauen and tweens, join us in crowning Phillip Phillips, WGWG5, as the new American Idol. As always, love mail is accepted here if you'd like to thank us for saving Phillip.
So long, Colton. Head back to Halloween Town and eat a chesseburger, why don'tcha? In the words of the guest performers tonight, LMFAO!
Part of why we still remember James Durbin is the winning interviews he gives. It all started when he tweeted that Colton Dixon's semifinalist performance "looked kinda familiar", referring to a performance he did last year. The Hollywood Reporter followed up on this by asking him to elaborate, which James was more than happy to do:
“I was definitely implying something...He said, ‘I’m going to surprise people.’ So he’s sitting down at the piano, and it’s kind of like, ‘Ok, this is not surprising.’ But then he jumped up on the piano. And as all my fans know and anyone who watched last season would know, I jumped up on a piano. I did the whole piano bit and set it on fire and did my homage to Jimi Hendrix during Elton John Week. By the way, the outfit that I wore for that performance is now on display at Graceland…”
James goes on to say, among other things, that Colton stole his haircut, and in general is completely unorignial. This is hilarious coming from a guy who made a career from being on a karaoke contest, who gets endless comparisons to his predecessor, Adam Lambert. James, we completely embrace your inability to hold back in interviews. More, please! Although I have a feeling that the next news about James Durbin is going to be something about one or more of Colton's rabid fans and a restraining order.