Who could’ve imagined that the horde of out of work actors and singers in Los Angeles would create more drama than all the other cities combined?   And we’ve got another washed-up guest judge from the 1970’s who’s sporting the latest in cosmetic surgical technology, Olivia Fig-Newton John.   

Also Ryan utters the biggest lie of the season: “Judges decisions are final.”  It’s a lie because A) They let people into Hollywood after they’ve been refused by the judges a couple times last year.  B) They’ve let people beg their way to Hollywood this year.  C) The AI Producers make the final decisions, ALWAYS. 

Highlights

Martik – Right out of the gates we get the Man-Panther Martik who has a half-dyed orange beard, and a penchant for hugging Ryan.  Martik declares himself the “most exciting entertainer on planet earth.”  I guess Martik is ignoring Clay Aiken and Michael Bolton, because those guys blow him away, on a purely entertainment basis.  As Dave helpfully points out in his blog, the first auditioner on each episode is always a delusional suck-machine.  But Martik is so bad and delusional he deserves his own wing in the William Hung Official AI Hall of Shame.  Martik tosses his headband and sunglasses with wacky sound effects added by the editors.  Then he takes off his shirt, and paces some more.  Dude, if you’re gonna take off your shirt on national TV, please have some muscles.  Martik is terrible and extremely creepy, and I kept hoping Paula and Olivia Newton would send him to Hollywood just for his animal magnetism.

Marianna – Whose mother was a Dean Martin “Gold-digger.”  Which is another way of saying she was a Rat Pack ho.  Hot Mom tells us that Marianna was destined for stardom “When she came out of my womb.”  Way to showcase your daughter, by stealing her limelight at every opportunity and by drawing undue attention to your naughty bits.  Anyways, Hot Mom neglected to tell her daughter she’s a terrible singer, flat and loud with Cher-esque delivery.  Marianna has an ugly meltdown as she tearfully begs and pleads to be sent to Hollywood.  Then Hot Mom goes into the audition room to leech some more limelight from her daughter, declaring to the judges that Marianna is really, really talented.  It would’ve worked better if Hot Mom offered her hard-earned show-biz skills to service Randy and Simon for a gold ticket.  How do you expect to turn your daughter into a star if you’re not willing to sacrifice for her career?  Selfish Gold-digger.

Phuong –another person in a long line of “my family doesn’t support my talents” auditioners.  That’s because you HAVE NO TALENTS to support.  But whatever, continue to follow your delusions, young girl.  Phuong tells us that her dragon-queen mother said she wasn’t hot enough to win on AI.  Actually no, she’s not talented enough to win.  I don’t know where she got that “not hot enough” thing because Ruben, Clay, Bo Bice, Taylor and Elliot aren’t exactly hotties.  And last time I checked Fantasia or Diane Degarmo aren’t selling a ton of swimsuit calendars.  So Phuong, who Simon stupidly keeps calling “Pong” is a Taylor Hicks wannabe.  Of all the people to imitate, why him?  It’s bad enough that Phuong has minimal singing talent, but if you’re stealing Taylor’s schtick, that’s just pathetic.  Phuong’s spazz-out singing isn’t as good as Taylor’s but some of the faces she makes are priceless.  She sucks, and after the audition she tearfully declares, “My dream is over.”  But she does keep the door open for a return next year.  We’ll welcome you back Phuong with open arms.

Brandon The Back-up Singer-  Once again a professional singer is doubting their chances against a bunch of talentless amateurs.  Brandon has the muscles, the personality and the scrubbed good looks to be a winner, which means he won’t.  Paula is panting before he starts singing.  And shock of all shocks, he’s a good singer too.  Simon declares Brandon will be making the Finals.  Okay, then.

Bryan – A Clay Aiken clone who we are reminded had a horrific meltdown in the semi-finals last year.  Bryan says, “My dreams were devastated.”  Hopefully they will be again, as he’s going to Hollywood.  

Sherman- A weepy old guy who wants to sing for his dead wife.  Sherman says his wife died of cancer two days ago.  Was I the only one who wasn’t moved by this obvious pity party?  Sherman says he got a bunch of petitions to get him on American Idol despite being 40+ years over the age rules.  Sherman says the petitions helped his wife keep a positive attitude, but she died anyways.  Then Sherman sings a bad song from the 30’s badly enough to make Paula and Olivia Newton cry.  Sherman declares, “I am the winner.”  Except that he’s not.  But we’ll play along with the batty old coot.

Here’s a quick wrap-up of other notable kooks from the show.

1. Shilandrick – who gets horned-on by the cameras, but can’t sing.
2. Alaina- a bad singer who Randy says is “pitchy all over the place” but she gets a gold ticket anyway.
3. Bad Farmer hat girl with inflatable cow costume and Banana Man should form a band.
4. Sparkle and Darold – two love-birds from Compton who have a threesome with Ryan.
5. Creepy Eric – closes the show.  I started laughing when he declared his expertise with “featherweight” vocals, and he does not disappoint with his nasally keening.  Then Simon re-hashes the joke from last year where Eric learned to sing from Randy and Paula’s instruction tape.  And they drag it out to unfunny lengths.

Next Week- it’s on to San Antonio as the AI Sucky Singing Tour is finally winding down.  And a hapless girl meets the wrath of “The Wrong Door.”  

See you next time,

Professor Chan

Boring in Birmingham.  What a lame episode.  Everything was the same as usual, only not as good.  The sole highlight is that we now have a Vote For The Worst Championship contender in Jack Osborne—AKA Chris the dude with the goofy hair.

Since the show was so weak, I’ll just highlight the five meager points of interest… 

But first I want to explore the new Katharine McPhee album.  First off, I heard only 30 seconds of the single and I can declare the entire album a godawful pile.  Paris Hilton’s album looks like U2’s Joshua Tree in comparison.  Just kidding.  They both suck EQUALLY.  And I mean that they’re identical with washed out little girl “vocals” that are sequenced to a keyboard instead of sung, and a droning dance beat.  Except that McPhee is the only one who claims she’s a singer.

Also, her album cover where she’s slyly pulling down her shirt to cover her naughty bits seemed instantly familiar.  Could she be inspired by Donna Summer’s disco 70’s neon tinting and come hither stare?

Or is McPhee channeling the coy, but carnal lust of Babs?

You guys can decide.

On with the lame show.

Mediocre Highlights from Alabama

1. Erica the Dental Assistant sings a badly out of tune “Unchained Melody” by “Leanne Rhimes.”  Erica is terrible.  After her booting she naively declares: “I wish they were nicer.”  Um, Erica, what show have you been watching?

1. Squeaky Voice Katie comes out and sings a relatively normal-sounding song.  Why can’t she talk like that?  Anyways, in BS moment #1 for this episode she brings out her husband and begs her way to Hollywood.

1. Diana the Really Big Cheerleader declares she used to do the splits.  Please don’t do it, girl.  She sings a horrible Whitney Houston song with the line: “We’ll be making love the whole night long”… in my nightmares.

1. Jamie Lynn Pickler- wears a t-shirt with “blonde bomb-shell” written on it, without any sense of irony.  Excuse me, but if you need to remind people you’re a bombshell, then you’re probably not.  She’s got an amazing sob story about her dad being paralyzed after shooting her mother, and then himself in the neck.  Says Jamie Lyn: “He shot himself, but it’s okay.”  Jury is still out if she’s as stupid as Pickler but we can only hope so.

1. Chris- “Jack Osborne.”  Chris is kind of funny with a big goofy mop of hair.  Then he kind of sucks on a Seal song but makes it to Hollywood… because AI WANTS him to be the next Vote For The Worst Champion.  Together we can make it, Chris.  Way to go!

So that’s all of the good stuff.  Even the standard “girl who freaks out at the end of the show” had to be goaded into it and you could tell her venomous insults were half-assed.  However, Simon tries to go through the “wrong door" and makes my evening.

I don’t know about you, but after sitting through the 129th preview, Norbit is lookin’ pretty damn sweet.  I bet it kills Eddie’s Oscar hopes dead.

Until tomorrow…

Professor Chan

Cliff's Notes from the two hour AI Suckathon in New Yor.

Joining the judges is Carol Bayer Sager, who wrote the theme from Arthur and other mushy, love songs from the late 70's.  So her last success was 25+ years ago.  Sager opted for the "Joan Collins" face lift and makeover.  And her judging style is "Paula Abdul" for irrelevance and inability to discern actual singing talent.

Professor Chan's Observations

1. Time Killing Segment #1 - they let an obvious stand-up comic waste 20 minutes talking about how great he is, then non-sing and demand to be let through, then go on to insult Simon in a tirade that we've all heard before.

2. Delusional Sarah - Kelly Clarkson look-alike who says her Dad doesn't support her singing ambition, which in sanity-speak means "My Dad doesn't enable my delusions of fame and singing talent."  She has a breakdown with Ryan, saying that her Dad doesn't believe in her.  Honey, I don't believe in you if you're having a crying fit BEFORE you sing.  She goes on to say how she wants her Dad to be proud of her.  Here's an idea Ms. Fantasy Island, get a job and earn some money, I'm sure that'll make Dad's day.  Her sob story is good enough to get her to the second round, as Simon isn't there to call B.S. on the obvious plea for attention.  

3. Time Killing Segment #2 - we watch as Ryan and Delusional Sarah call her Dad on the phone to announce her gold ticket to Hollywood.  Dad's classic cell phone response: "Who is this?"  Okay, I take it back, that ruled.  Then during this weeping, saccharine moment someone from production comes through a door, ruining the shot.  Awesome.  I bet she's so fired.

4. Fanya Boobsalotkis - Terrible singer and dancer, in a good bad-singing way.

5. Ashanta - Paris Bennett wanna-be who makes a long, emotive speech about how the judges are wrong, that she's got talent and how she's really a star.  Seacrest introduces "Days of Idols" as they play soap opera music under Ashanta's acting monologue.  It's actually funny.  Once again, if Simon was there he would've set the dogs on her before she got 5 seconds into her drivel.

6. Real Time Killing Segment #2 - We follow the Tanned Twins, a pair of lifelong friends from New Jersey, to the beach.  Because that's where their talent REALLY lies, in rocking a bikini.  I'll take bets these two are shown frolicking in the surf in Santa Monica for Hollywood week.  In another B.S. moment the Twins audition together.  They Mariah all over each other, so naturally they get a second chance.  They both get a gold ticket because Twin A has big boobs.

7.  Clifton -  a weird guy that looks like Harry Hamlin and makes strange sounds.  Clifton is obnoxious and is really into himself, which suggests that he's going to Hollywood.  But then he screams and stomps his way through ZZ Top's "Tush."  That was awesome.  Then when the judges give him a second chance to save himself he whips out his harmonica instead, like a jackalope.  

8. Jenry Studworthy - A handsome stud who is 16 going on Manly.  And he can sing.  Paula slimes all over him.  Back off, Paula, you can go to prison for that.

9. Nakia "Little Shirley" - A strange looking girl with big personality.  Nakia: "I think it's gonna work out."  Ooh, famous last words.  She belts out a song and she's pretty good.  The judges like her and just want her to sing something where she's not shouting.  Nakia could've hummed two bars of Phil Collins and she would've been in, but In the worst second song moment ever on Idol, Nakia hacks apart a slow song.  You could tell the judges wanted to send her to Hollywood, but as her agonizing song continues you could see her opportunity dashed to pieces.  Nakia was this close to VFTW status.  Nakia sobs as she leaves.  They broke the poor girl.

10. Crazy Sarah - We first meet Crazy Sarah sobbing along with Nakia, offering her a tissue.  Crazy Sarah is perky and you know this is gonna go down badly.  Crazy Sarah launches into tuneless singing and adds in creepy faces, and mouths the words during the unsung parts as well.  Crazy Sarah admits her lack of singing ability but declares she could be the "First American Idol who has never sung before!"  How great would that be?  That would be like having a personality-free host do the color interviews... Oh, right, if it works for Seacrest.  Or a talent-free dancer  judging a singing competition...  Oh, yeah, Paula Abdul has that job.  Or hiring an Englishman with no American pop sensibilities to find the next American Idol... oh, right.  You know, Crazy Sarah is starting to make sense.  Except, the bitch is crazy as she alternates between tearful declarations of her self-importance, groveling to get on the show, and angry disavowals of the judges.  She screeches that they have to send her to Hollywood because she's made friends with everyone, including "Bill The Security Guy."  And she tries to go through the LOCKED DOOR!  One of the best freak-outs ever!

After Crazy Sarah the rest of the show is kind of a letdown, so let's blow through it with quick notes on things that made me laugh.

--Antonio Sinatra - 47 year-old English challenged nit-wit-"New Yor, New Yor." 

--Jory, with a WWE Championship Belt stuck to her blouse.  

--Porcelana - She worked out a lot to get on the show.  Apparently that works for AI.

--Drunk Paula attacks Simon over a male soprano.  You knew that would happen sooner or later.

--Opera Rachel - pretentious girl with Bret "The Hitman" Hart wraparound shades.  We'll be seeing more of her in Hollywood.  Yeah!

--Two old, chunky women are freaking Ryan

--Orgasm Girl - disturbed girl in cowboy hat who mumbles through "Voulez Vous" and then has an orgasm.  Would it be too much to ask to LEARN THE WORDS to a song before going to a SINGING CONTEST?

----------

And that's your show.  Birmingham promises a girl singing "Like a Virgin" badly.  Because they've NEVER had someone butcher Madonna songs before.  

--Professor Chan

Howdy Class,

Wow, wasn't one hour of bad singing better then the full monty 2 hour suckstravaganza? I even stayed awake this time. Wednesday's bloated show promises 2 hours of non-talented fools singing in New York.

 

This will be a Cliff's notes versions of my bad-singing blog. I'll just point out the few highpoints of the show that struck me as interesting, and anything that didn't interest me will be quickly forgotten.

 

Professor Chan's Observations

1. There are lots of bored, delusional people in Memphis. The editing makes it look like the entire village is camped out for auditions. It looks like a hoot!

 

2. Footage of Gracelend. Neat. I've never been to Graceland. Who wants to bet an Elvis song gets pulverised on this show?

 

3. The First B.S. moment of the night when Frank the Cheerleader gets passed on. Sure the guy was cheesy and dramatic, but he can sing. He's got a pretty voice and hits a sweet pitch bend at the end of the song. Of course we CAN'T HAVE ANY TALENTED PEOPLE in the finals. Then some dudes manhandle Ryan. You know he loved it.

 

4. Chris Fruity Hair - with white stripe on his jeans, sucks through a Stevie Wonder song. Sadly he's not as awful as I hoped he would be, just by looking at the oaf.

 

5. Sundance Head - Best Idol name ever. I guess when you have the last name "Head" there's no good first name. The only way it could've been better if it was Harold Richard... I love this guy. AND he's going to the Finals. Sundance has a weird flat-iron beard and a carpet of chest hair poking out of his plaid work shirt. Sundance can sing, but ironically can't dance. Whoo Boy, Vote For The Worst! Go all the way Sundance!

 

6.Wandera- she of the Flaming Red Mullet. She gets the boot, even after singing in the AI approved Mariah Carey, screech whatever high note you want style. She should've gone to the finals... so VFTW could help her win.

 

7. Harry Knowles - He says his name was "Topher" but we know it's douchebag film website owning slob, "Fat" Harry Knowles. Topher has a great sob story to help him get a gold ticket- His ex-wife is a slut. But that doesn't overcome his crappy talent and timid "Footloose" dancing. Then he precedes to drool all over the drunk, plastic mutant Paula. You go, Harry.

 

8. Fidel Castro - Fidel has long shiny hair and a terrorist style beard. Fidel must've auditioned just so he could take down the whole capitalist system from the pedestal of 15 Minutes of Famedom. Fidel does some generic blues song and is out of tune. So naturally he makes it to Hollywood. What's funny is that Fidel tells us people "compare him to Fidel Castro." Could it be that you're wearing the identical faux-military garb to what the Communist Dictator wears? Vote For The Worst!

 

9. Melinda - Who knew that a professional back-up singer could sing well enough to make it onto this show? Melinda has talent, but she also has no neck. Is that an unfair advantage because she draws her singing directly from her lungs? I smell a controversy.

 

10. Howie Mandell - Bald and creepy Howie shows up and has a great sob story. His wife is having a baby... during this very audition. Will he have the gumption to pull out a miracle gold ticket? And what a coincidence... the AI cameras just happened to be in the hospital room where Mrs. Howie Mandell delivers her child. Aww... so sweet. Blecch!

Quick notes of things that amused me-

-Purple-haired girl who needed her medication... Psst, Paula's got

some in her cup.

-Big dude in a baby bonnet who whips out his penis.

-Joey "Ace" Lawrence made it to Hollywood.

-Tomorrow's show features a cowgirl having an orgasm. I can't wait.

 

Ta-ta for now.

Professor Chan