If you've ever wondered how you'd hold up if you were ever under extreme torture, watching this season of Idol should be giving you a pretty good indication. Nigel has two hours to fill tonight and we start with three minutes of pointless crap, which is longer than these contestants get to sing. I see Marlee Matlin's in the audience, and she's lucky she doesn't have to hear these awful karaoke versions tonight. Tommy Hilfiger is back giving fashion tips, and we saw how well his advice worked for Erika last week. Along with the usual solo karaoke performances, we're also getting trios doing medleys of Madonna and others because this show isn't cheesy enough already. Stevie Nicks is here to mentor the Idols on what they'll end up looking like if they get hooked on drugs, with Steven Tyler re-emphasizing this in spades with every uninteligible, worthless comment he makes. Colton is up first and Stevie tells him to keep his repulsive hair as is, making me wonder if she really has kicked the drugs. Colton's tired of being refered to as #3 by this show and decides to become #1 the best way possible with the people who watch this show by massively pimping Jesus. It's probably enough that he's doing a song by Lifehouse, but Colton makes sure by telling us it's his favorite Worship Song. VFTW doesn't care as our Worship Song is Against All Odds. Colton may be paying tribute to Jesus but his bum notes are all Satan. Unless Jesus is an emo teen crying in the corner, he isn't liking this.

It's Billy Joel night and Idol needs a mentor who can understand the Piano Man's music and appeal to the types who watch this show, and gets neither in Diddy. While Billy Joel doesn't have any rap songs J-Lo's Leftovers could help contestants with, Diddy can mentor our Idols on other things that come with fame, like how to hide your gun after shooting it off randomly in a club. Deandre's up first and the Idols now have a whole Style Team but Deandre will need a Style Army to make him semi-presentable. And the fashion gurus know there's only one piece of advice they need to give Deandre: WEAR YOUR HAIR DOWN!!! Deandre's doing Only The Good Die Young, a song Jimmy Iovine knows is about desperately wanting to get laid, something he surely was until he got money. While Deandre's movement is total VFTW, he keeps his amazing falshitto in the closet tonight, excluding him from becoming our new pick.

If seeing a bunch of amateurs doing karaoke versions of ballads from the 80s and 90s isn't excitement enough for you, tonight we may finally get to see an Idol contestant dragged away by police. Ryan tells us the fuzz ratted Jermaine out to the show, who seem to have the same people vetting their candidates as John McCain. The contestants are doing songs from the year they were born and have Will.I.Am here to mentor them on how to properly use the autotune machine. Phillip is first and we learn he was a premature baby and almost died, but he would live on to fulfill his true destiny of becoming a completely non-descript entity. Phillip seems to have some serious problems with his bowels and is turning into this season's Casey Abrams except one can't shit while the other can't stop.

VFTW's season really begins tonight as it's time for the Top 13 to perform. We're told this is the show's 400th episode, which means there have been about 200 since Idol jumped the shark years ago. We see the girls, who look pretty, and the boys, who do not. And there's a twist tonight as the girls are doing Whitney while the boys are doing Stevie Wonder and the lowest voting boy and girl will make up the Bottom 2 tomorrow night, with the judges deciding who's going home. And we got a good idea of who that may be as the judges shamelessly pimped their favorites (ie. Jessica) while they gleefully threw the ones they hated under the bus (Shannon). And tonight's show was more lifeless than Whitney as this is shaping up to be the most boring season ever.

First up is Joshua...