It's time for the finals and it's been a long road to get to what VFTW accepted long ago, that the winner of this show is going to be a White Guy With Guitar for the fifth year in a row. Everyone in The Philippines has their million fake accounts ready to vote for Jessica but all of Phil's more senior fans are ready too, unless they've fallen asleep by now. And tonight's show has an extra bit of excitement as VFTW pick Phillip Phillip looks sicker than ever and can collapse at any moment. Our two finalists come out and Jessica is appropriately dressed for such an occasion, while Phillip is appropriately dressed to bury a corpse. There are three rounds tonight, meaning three times the boring ballads and three times the WGWG. Jessica's up first doing Boring Ballad #1 I Have Nothing and this is reminding me of The Philippines as this is something you'd hear in any of it's ten million karaoke bars. Jessica's singing relatively nicely, although I think even now Whitney could perform this with more energy. And if Whitney were alive to hear the needless growling Jessica's added to this, she'd probably say Crack is wack, and so is Jessica!
It's time for the Top 3 and we get to see our Idols' hometowns tonight so get ready for lots of overweight people dressed like slobs. Here come the judges and J-Lo's wearing a pants suit from the Hillary Clinton line. The Top 3 come out and Joshua and Jessica are dressed like they're going to the prom, but VFTW pick Phillip is dressed like he's going to clean a toilet. There are three rounds tonight and for the first one the judges are picking the song that best fits the performer, and they hit a homerun by giving Joshua something from a black screechy diva who was relevant 40 years ago. Joshua's singing Etta James' I'd Rather Go Blind but with all his over-the-top melisma, I think I'd Rather Go Deaf. Or, as Joshua's singing, I-I-I Ra-Ra-Ra-ther Go-Go B-B-B-B-BBBBB-BLIND!!!! And as it's Joshua, you can almost see the judges moving their chairs back in anticipation of giving him their mandatory standing ovation. But I'm not sure how much they're helping him by all celebrating how he's a throwback, something that could've been said about Taylor Hicks.
It's the Top 4 and you know things are getting serious as the judges shoved extra hard tonight on the contestants they want to throw under the bus. Randy looks like an ice cream vendor, one who ate their entire stock. Round 1 is songs from acts from California, people like Rebecca Black, Willow Smith and Katharine McPhee. Phillip is up first so we won't have to wait long to find out how the show is going to try to sabotage our pick this week. Phil seems to be really getting into the California spirit tonight as he's acting like he's smoked some of the state's finest herb. He's doing a CCR song and even five months into this show I'm still amused by how ridiculous the name Phillip Phillips is. Phil has no guitar for this performance so we get to see the best dancing on TV since Elaine on Seinfeld. Phillip is either trying to add as many Oo-Oo-Oos as possible to this song or he's just passing another one of his kidney stones. And Idol may have found its first star in about 6 years...Random Hot Saxophone Girl!
There are only 5 contestants remaining to battle it out to see who will be the next completely unmarketable American Idol. Tonight's first round is songs from The 60s, a time when most of this show's viewers were getting ready to retire. The judges come out and Steven Tyler is grabbing J-Lo's arm and she has a look like she's being held captive by Hannibal Lecter. This show can't even get a star to mentor anymore so they have to settle for a backup musician, Little Stevie Van Zandt, who ain't so little anymore. First up is Hollie doing River Deep, a song VFTW has developed an affinity for as it was the song that got Pia Toscani booted when the judges pushed her to do an uptempo! Little Stevie says this is one of the most exciting songs of all time, which is ironic as Hollie is one of the least exciting performers of all-time. Little Stevie tells Hollie she shouldn't think about all the crap Jimmy, the judges and everyone else has been telling her, which is again ironic because all Hollie does is get confused by the flood of conflicting advice she's been getting all season. Idol has hired a bunch of dancers for what I believe is the first time, completely conceding defeat to shows like X Factor and The Voice. Hollie's running around the audience and these bunch of dancers are following her like a cloud of dirt follows Pig Pen. And it's a miracle as Hollie is actually showing a pulse after being comatose for 4 months. All it took was a Tina Turner song, a dance troupe, 20 background singers yelling and a 200 piece band blaring loud enough to be heard on the moon.