Here we are at the final audition city, St. Louis. Seven audition cities are better than eight, and one hour shows are better than two hour shows - but somehow, we're all ready for this phase of the show to end...FOREVER. We're shown a clip from Carrie Underwood's 2004 audition, reminding us that they can't find anyone that successful from later than Season 4 to talk about. Ryan tells us that now, someone will make that same trip, failing to add that they'll probably be making a trip home before too long.

Tonight American Idol goes to Portland, but I don't give a crap. I'm just happy because I'm basking in the wonderful news that American Idol is scrapping next Wednesday's audition show and going directly to the Hollywood rounds! They must have been listening to our cries to shorten the audition phase of the competition...or, maybe, it was because the NJ auditions apparently sucked so badly that they just gave up on it. I guess people with real talent have collectively decided that if they make it big, they'd like to get paid a little more than a middle management position at your average US company would pay.

Tonight, American Idol goes to Galveston, Texas, the fifth out of eight (oy) audition shows. We get an intro from some guy up in the International Space Station. He's smiling because he's 250 miles above the Earth and out of smelling range of the crapfest below. Then, instead of a fun hour in space, we plunge back to the depths of American Idol hell. We are then reminded that Texas is the home of Season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson. We're also reminded that this show is unlikely to ever shit out anyone that successful again.

Tonight, American Idol took us to Aspen, Colorado, which in my opinion is one of the most self-indulgent choices yet when it comes to audition cities. Aspen is a playground for A-List celebrities and other wealthy types, and accommodations are not cheap. For a lot of contestants, it probably meant having to fly into Denver and renting a car to get to Aspen. For the judges and high-level producers, it probably meant scoping out some vacation houses to snatch up. For us, it means another hour of hoping to find America's next great star, only to find a few flickering 25-watt lightbulbs hanging over a filthy sink in a tenement...with two wonderfully VFTW exceptions. Unfortunately, we have to suffer for 45 minutes before getting to that.