Hello, worsters! Are you happy yet? This is the final week of the crap-on-a-stick that has been Season 11 of American Idol. Not only that but this week's performance show is only an hour! I suppose they're saving for when they run 493 minutes over during tomorrow's finale, as is the annual tradition. I'm going to help by jumping right into the performances.

Phillip won the coin toss and smartly chose to go second, so Jessica is up first with Simon Fuller's pick, "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. This is appropriate, since they're milking Whitney's corpse in order to let another corpse sing. This is a typical Jessica power-ballad performance, which means that she had a few really awesome notes floating alone in a sea of boring. Way to coast, Jessica!

Oddly enough, the judges are being forced to STFU until the end of the round. Have they learned nothing from Paula's Season 7 gaffe, when she critiqued Jason Castro's song before he had actually performed it? Oh well, at least we get to jump right into Phillip's song, which is "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King, which Simon Fuller loves to give to people he wants off the show, such as Josiah Leming. However, Phillip is taking to the song like he takes to a Dave Matthews song, which he does by turning Stand By Me into a Dave Matthews song. None of the above matters, though, because I know the Phrauen are eating this up like it's a giant bag of Phillip-flavored, dick-shaped Cheetos.