Adam Lambert

Here ya go. The verses are much more subdued than the rest of the song, so much less painful, but still incredibly bland and cliche ("I know this flame isn't dying, so nothing can stop me from trying"... genius songwriting). Then the screeching begins and it's time not for miracles, but to wish you had never pressed the play button.
If you really want to torture yourself, you can download the whole song here.

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And without further ado, we bring you some original Adam Lambert poetry. What the hell is this guy on? Warning: There may be images in this poem that your brain can't forget.

Dawn.

The ink of night slow dances with muddled fire.

Jagged mountian tops in a breathy mauve peak out of vague camouflage.

A crow moans in horny recovery. Rubbing a last one out amid coconut ghosts and spiderwebs.

This alley cat block still a mystery to me.

On the roof. Seeking proof.

Adam thinks he's edgy and controversial. We think he's an idiot.

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In a smart marketing move, someone decided that Adam Lambert's new music video trailer for Time For Miracles is going to premiere right before Michael Jackson's posthumous movie This Is It. Expect the Sparkle Cows to shell out big bucks in the opening weekend so they can see their object of affection (pictured: left, looking creepy) shit all over the trailer to disaster flick 2012. This should guarantee a big opening weekend, as Sparkle Cows have tons of disposable income and no friends to tell them that they're wasting it. A note to anyone who is going to see Michael Jackson's movie: bring mace and beef jerky. The mace is to ward off the Sparkle Cows. The beef jerky is a last ditch effort to distract them into running in the opposite direction when you throw it.

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Radaronline.com posted an account with Adam Lambert and his boyfriend Drake LaBry on Friday night. It seems Adam was talking to some other dude and Drake wasn't too happy. Countdown until the Sparkle Cows take it upon themselves to intervene to hilarious results.

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...and it's just as awful as we expected. Listen for yourself at Amazon.com. Should we say "told you so" now or wait until the single fails miserably? This is the song the Sparkle Cows were willing to murder for?

Edited to Add: You can also hear more of the painful shrieking here. Though really, do you hate yourself enough to click on that link?

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Seriously, dude? You're gay and Jewish. Did you think this one through? There wasn't anything else you could have auctioned off that doesn't make you look stupid and racist?

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Ryan Seacrest's producer Sadao Turner had tweeted that Adam Lambert's upcoming song "Time For Miracles" was going to be in the preview for the movie 2012 that premiered last night. Well, wisely, the song was left out of the preview. But this made the Sparkle Cows (Adam's fat, glitter wearing fans) angry. Some of the angry frauen took to Twitter to entertain us:

BabyLambSkank OMG @adamlambert his song was NOT on there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so MAD!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

LiveLoveLambert @adamlambert im in tears right now adam! i was looking forward to your music. omg..i have such a bad stomache now. but ik its not your fault

TuMadre4Real @SadaoTurner you just crushed my hopes and dreams, EVERYTHING IS A LIE. fuck you 2012 preview, FUCK YOU! #IWANTMYTFM 

Then, it turns to death threats:

Richelle177 @SadaoTurner dont think U will live till the end of this year,better start packin ur shit! 

HotStickiBunz82 IF THIS SHIT DOES NOT GO DOWN WITH ADAM LAMBERT SINGING THERE WILL BE HYMN SINGING AND FLOWER BRINGING AT SONY STUDIOS!!!  

cherylagogo LOL POOR DUDE, A GLAMBERT JUST TWEETED THIS TO THE SADAOTURNER GUY: "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF I WERE YOU I WOUDN'T SLEEP. :D" 

Really, people? The song is going to be awful. Save yourself the embarrassment and go on a diet.

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Did you hear? Adam Lambert was #2 on the Amazon.com best seller list with a pre-sale his album. This means... well, next to nothing because very few people pre-buy albums on Amazon. But according to Adam's delusional fans, otherwise known as the Sparkle Cows, this is the most incredible news in the history of music. Some of the comments:

"I am definitely a huge Beatles crazy fan, and have had all their albums for years and years. I'm feeling similar excitement for Adam"

"Adam is the most current worldwide iconic rockgod star this planet has ever seen! The Album, holy smokes, I already ordered 2 and the thing isn't even finished yet, no title and no picture!"

"Soon everyone will be strutting to the beat as Adam takes over the airwaves. It has been a long time since a musical phenomenon has occured, and we are long overdue."

But then one Sparkle Cow is angry that Adam's official site didn't publicize this trivial piece of knowledge sooner, giving us a glimpse into the entertainment value of angry Adam fans:

"Seriously,why AdamOfficial is the LAST to know EVERYTHING? Yeah,that article was put up there HOURS ago and about 4 hours ago Adam had already regained No2 on Amazon, so I am just wondering why the Adam team hasn't set out the news quicker. And since not every Adam fan, or to be precise, potential album buyers refresh their google "Adam Lambert:" search every five minutes, a newsletter informing people about the pre-order would be very beneficial. I mean, not a lot of people check fansites everyday, but most people check their email inbox daily. So, I really hope the team (management) can do its best to promote Adam to the world."

Here's a hint. Guess who else hit #1 in Amazon presales, and it ended up amounting to next to nothing (Scroll down to comment 14)? Yep, Adam Lambert will face a similar fate to Clay Aiken when his fans kill off his career by being overzealous and pissing off everyone by over-requesting his songs, yelling at his management, starting letter writing campaigns to anyone who would mock him, etc. It'll be a funny ride, so grab some popcorn.

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